You don’t owe divisive figure from past anything

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/03/2024 (890 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was out walking when a girl from high school came up and grabbed my arm. She’s the one who stole my boyfriend way back when and broke my heart. She asked me to go for coffee with her. I was shocked, but decided to see what would come up in the conversation.

I already knew she married my ex-boyfriend after she got pregnant. Playing the sympathy card, she revealed she had a bad home life and started drinking when she was 14. That led her to my party-boy ex, their relationship and her unexpected pregnancy.

Boo-hoo. The daughter they had won’t live with her any more. She said her daughter now prefers to live with her father since he joined AA, got sober and started a new life. She said she hardly gets to see her now.

I couldn’t work up much sympathy and said a quick goodbye, but now she has started contacting me online like I’m her new friend. How do I get rid of her?

— Trying to Dodge Her, St. Boniface

Dear Dodger: Just thank her for the coffee and conversation, and let her know it was good to get a number of things cleared up in your understanding of how things went down with your ex-boyfriend back in high school. Then tell her you don’t feel comfortable chatting anymore and you wish her well with on the rest of her life’s journey.

That should send her the message, and if it doesn’t, you may have to block her calls and messaging online.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother in-law is nicer to me than my own mother. Both mothers were over recently for my husband’s birthday dinner, and I overheard them talking about me in the kitchen. My mother would bring up something about me to complain about, and my mother-in-law would defend me. My own flesh and blood was hanging me out to dry.

I didn’t want to ruin my husband’s night, but the next day I told him how hurt and angry I was. I said I was finally going to have it out with my mom and that might be the end of our relationship.

You know what he said? “Our children shouldn’t have to lose their grandmother because you two can’t iron out your differences.” I had no idea what to say. So far I have said nothing to my mother. Please help.

— Feeling Beat-Up, Transcona

Dear Feeling Beat-Up: The answer isn’t far away. You know who has the key to your mom’s problems with you? Your father, and possibly your siblings. They’ll have heard some, or all, of your mother’s criticisms and complaints. You could also ask your aunts and your mother’s girlfriends — if they’ll talk.

Such problems can even come from a mother’s personal insecurities, especially if her husband prefers his daughter’s personality and company. And sometimes there’s a very personal jealousy between a mother and daughter — possibly if the daughter looks like her mother used to when she was younger.

Finally, you’re going to need to see a relationship counsellor to figure out ways to mend the problems uncovered here — with or without your mother. It’s worth doing for everybody’s sake.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography