Cruel, ungrateful kinfolk don’t deserve your time

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This article was published 14/03/2024 (904 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Why is it that my family can still reduce me to feeling stupid? I was always the one they ganged up on, and for some reason they still do.

I am 33 and just finished caring for my older single brother who had surgery. I took an unpaid leave from work and stayed with him for over a week. No one wanted to look after him, which is understandable. He was so awful and abusive to me that I stopped answering his phone calls for two days after I got home.

Now that’s backfired on me and I’m being given the silent treatment.

No matter what I do to help, I’m the one who is always in for trouble. This breaks my heart and causes me to have panic attacks. My parents are both dead, but they were just as bad.

I’ve been thinking about walking away from the whole family, but should I? The thought of it causes me such conflict. What can you suggest for me?

— Picked-On Sister, Headingley

Dear Picked-On: Start changing your situation by finally accepting your errands of service and mercy are not earning you respect in your family — not even with this brother you generously took care of after his surgery.

Your abusive brother will soon line up a new target for his cruelty when he realizes you’re not available, so don’t feel guilty about shutting him out and choosing a better lifestyle. You can reduce your family problems by moving into a livelier part of the city closer to the centre. Locate yourself close to gyms, bars, restaurants and other places that can provide you with some entertainment — and begin building a social life for yourself.

As for getting unwanted phone calls from family, now’s the time to start having two phone lines — the old number the family knows and another one for your new life, for real friends and relatives of a warmer variety.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve met a new woman, and she’s the best I’ve ever had. She invited me to move in after Christmas and I jumped at the chance.

The only trouble is, she’s divorced with two young kids and an ex-husband who has recently stopped paying child support because the idiot is jealous of me living with his ex.

Unfortunately, I can’t afford to cover all the support for her children.

My mate expects him to keep paying what he owes in full, and I agree with that, but what does that mean for me? Her youngest isn’t even school age yet. My girlfriend has a job, but it isn’t enough.

I really enjoy being with this sweet woman and the kids, and I’m feeling the love for all of them. They take after their wonderful mom — not their father. But the problem is she can’t afford to pay for everything herself, and I can’t totally take over financially from her ex.

— Her New Man, southern Manitoba

Dear New Man: Your mate’s ex-husband cannot be excused from making child-support payments because you have moved in.

Ask your new partner about the terms of her divorce agreement and about her ex-husband’s financial responsibilities to the family now, as she understands them.

Encourage her to contact her lawyer ASAP, who will get in touch with her ex-husband’s lawyer to straighten his client out. Her ex will quickly find out what will happen in court if he does not hold up his end of the legal agreement.

A biological father’s money generally helps pay for the children’s food, clothing and the roof over their heads, plus school and recreational needs.

So what do you owe? In this new living-together arrangement, you’ll pay part of the monthly rent or mortgage cost, plus a portion of the utility bills and food, for the family.

You may also share costs of toys, sports equipment, pet food and entertainment for your mate and the family as well.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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