Don’t downplay fears after violent incident with pet

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This article was published 24/04/2024 (863 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I caught my boyfriend kicking my dog while wearing his steel-toed work boots. He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and was throwing him out the door, just for barking. I thought I loved this guy, but I don’t feel the same now. I don’t even want him touching me.

Will I get over this or is it finished between us? I’m thinking of sneaking out with the dog when he’s at work, and going to my parents.

Am I overreacting? My boyfriend hasn’t hit me, but he talks in a mean way to me now. I don’t really have money for a taxi, but it would be embarrassing to ask my father, who never liked my boyfriend. My dad even said he didn’t trust him not to hurt me. I laughed, but my dad was probably right. Please help.

— Really Scared, Winnipeg

Dear Really Scared: Most parents want to protect their kids and keep them safe from people who would hurt them and their beloved pets. So call your folks and tell them you’re scared because your boyfriend has kicked your dog and he’s now talking to you in a mean way, and let them know you want to come home.

Will your parents say they warned you not to go out with him? Not likely.

I’m a parent, and if I got a call from my kid in a dangerous situation — no matter what had been said when we parted ways — I would be there in a flash. I certainly wouldn’t say, “Too bad, I told you so.” It would be, “Jump in the car with your dog, dear. You’re safe with family now. We love you and won’t let anyone hurt you or your animal.”

If you feel you want more formal assistance in developing a safety plan, don’t hesitate to contact the City of Winnipeg’s domestic violence support service at 204-945-6851.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a partner with mental health problems who is fantastic when she’s on her meds, but every 18-24 months she decides she doesn’t need them anymore, then we go through absolute hell until she comes to the conclusion they actually do make life better.

We’ve been through this three times now, and this week she started questioning if she still needs her meds. I just can’t take it.

Next, she’ll decide that she’s been feeling good long enough that the meds probably aren’t doing anything. She will say she has good habits and routines now and will stop taking them without telling me and things will go from bad to worse, then we’ll have a big fight and she’ll admit she stopped taking her medication.

I can’t do this again, but I also don’t want to throw away nearly six years of a life we’ve built together. How do I get through to her that the meds are the reason she’s been doing so well?

— Patience Wearing Thin, northwest Winnipeg

Dear Wearing Thin: Your mate wants to be balanced and happy, so you two actually share the same goal. She just doesn’t want to be dependent on medication that leaves her feeling like she’s weak and under-performing. However, she may just hate certain side effects or find the drugs too costly.

At some level she knows you’ll be there if she goes too far and loses it. But you’re weary of this game and don’t want to remain her enabler. The parameters need to be clear and you need to say, “I just can’t do this over and over.”

Convince your girlfriend to take you with her to talk to her prescribing professional — her doctor or psychiatrist. Transparency and working together as a team could keep her healthier and make you two much happier.

Repeating this dance could also cause other issues for your partner. For instance, if she keeps going on and off certain meds, the drugs might not be effective anymore.

The main thing is to find out what’s really going on and how you can help her. It’s obvious you care.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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