Don’t dwell on rear-view if you crave future love

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This article was published 22/07/2024 (768 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I heard recently my ex-girlfriend who cheated on me and broke my heart has moved back to our old neighbourhood and back in with her parents. I’ve also heard some new gossip about her.

Just for interest’s sake, I played detective and checked the stories out: “She’s become a big drinker” (Sadly that’s true); “Her latest boyfriend was a biker” (Could be true, as she’s attracted to bad guys, unlike me); and “She desperately needs a home, a job and a car.” (I saw her ancient, beat-up car parked behind her parents’ house with two flat tires.)

Looks like those people really took her back in.

I don’t know what to do with all this information. She broke my heart in a million pieces and I don’t want to care anymore. What should I do?

— She’s Back, West Kildonan

Dear Back: You’re clearly excited about this bad girl who dumped you and is back in town. The tone of your letter is too strong to believe you don’t still care — a lot. But the two of you were finished long ago and she’s not likely to be knocking on your door.

Still, you need to get over obsessing about her. It would be good for your emotional health to have a talk with yourself in the mirror, and say this: “Her life is not going well. She’s home again at her parents’ place with no job. I won’t wish her any more pain and trouble, but I can’t get mixed up with her again.”

Then, if you can do it, mouth the words. “I forgive her.” That may allow you to release some of the anger you carry.

Look, you didn’t lose anything in the long run when you broke up because she wasn’t meant to be your final love. Someone else awaits you in your future. You need to finally free yourself up to be ready for your true love.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This year I went to the Winnipeg Folk Festival on my own. During one of the mainstage sets, I met an attractive woman sitting beside me near the front of the stage. She was there alone.

We ended up talking and having so much fun together, although she didn’t talk about herself in any real detail.

I started falling for her, like a fool.

At the end of the evening, I naturally asked her for her name and contact info. She looked startled and told me she was married and that her husband was looking after the kids while she watched the show.

I was shocked and disappointed. It was the last thing I expected, as she wasn’t wearing any wedding rings. Did she hide them in her pocket because she was having a night off?

Now I feel all kinds of ways — a bunch of emotions including disappointment and anger that she wasn’t open with me. She had to know I liked her and was attracted. I felt like a schoolboy around her — she was so beautiful and funny.

How do I deal with this? For me it was a powerful feeling, like love at first sight. Why didn’t she tell me she was married?

— Cooling Off, North End

Dear Cooling Off: This woman was startled when you asked for her info, so she wasn’t deliberately trying to trick you. Still, it may have occurred to her at some point in the evening that she should have mentioned her husband. Maybe she was enjoying some mild flirting, the way some people like to do in certain social situations.

Clearly she felt friendly towards you and enjoyed your company.

There’s another possible reason she didn’t mention her marriage. Some married people are so long out of the dating game they don’t pick up on attraction cues anymore.

It’s hard to ask someone outright, “Are you single?” because it shows them you’re attracted. But the next time you’re starting to feel some magic with a new woman, ask that important question lightly and clear the issue up right away.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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