Express true self and everyone could be happier

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/12/2024 (660 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mother has been “cleverly” sending women to my shop, because she thinks that at my old age of 31 it’s high time I get married and give her grandkids. The problem is, I happen to be a closeted gay man. I don’t date anyone, at least not in plain sight.

I’ve never told Mom outright, but she no doubt suspects something. Yet, there were never any “special male friends” that she could see. I had a second life, a very secret one, for years.

I love “family with kids and grandkids,” just like Mom does, but that was not going to happen for me with a woman.

I think my mother has probably known since high school I was gay, but she hoped I’d “grow out of it.” I’ve known for sure for two decades, but I stayed close with my straight friends from school — all nice guys, but that didn’t get me anywhere romantically. I hated the set-up dates they got for me, and finally chose to have no one — that they knew of.

Until this year, I think Mom was still hoping I’d get some “therapy,” and get married to a nice young woman. Then she’d get the grandchildren she craved. I’ll admit I am stellar daddy material. I always help my divorced female friends with regular kid- and pet-sitting, plus tobogganing in the winters.

But now I want this to stop and I want to get off this train to nowhere. I’m ready to come out! Where’s the station door? I’m so tired of play-acting. Please help me!

— Tired, Fort Richmond

Dear Tired: A great new “station door” for you, would be the one to the Rainbow Resource Centre (rainbowresourcecentre.org). The centre offers support to the LGBTTQ+ community with counselling, education and programming for people of all ages — children to 55-plus. Even before you come out to your mother — you’d benefit greatly by getting counselling there on how best to approach what you want to say.

It also supports families, friends and employers. You’ll find kind, understanding, experienced and educated people. They will tell you about their many groups. When you get things organized, then tell Mom the truth about your sexuality, and be prepared for her to tell you she guessed the truth a long time ago.

So, why did she keep sending women to cross your path this year? Because you confused her! She saw you continue to hang out with obviously straight folks, who married straight people. And she saw your depressed and lonely face. Nothing worked, so she was “lady-bombing” you, to see if someone would chance to please you.

When you finally tell her you’re gay, don’t be surprised if she says something like this: “I guessed this when you were young. Big deal, — I didn’t care! You’re my son and I love you.”

In 2025, push to be your authentic self, and really come out of your shell! Seek a “second circle” of new friends to add to the old one, and look for a great man, you could love. And when you do, the two of you could look into having a child via a surrogate or even through adoption. Everybody will be happy for you, particularly your Mama!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Arguing with my boyfriend inevitably ends up in wild sex in the, as we get all hot-and-bothered. Now, it seems like he can’t have sex without a scrap of some sort first, to get him excited.

Where can this be heading? I’m not into violence, but my man came from a family where there was a lot of corporal punishment. I hope real violence is not what he wants.

— Worried About Conflict, Osborne Village

Dear Worried: If both partners are just play-acting and having a type of light “fun conflict” that leads to passion, then it can work for the two of them. But, if one of the partners needs a nasty fight before every time they have sex — in order to get passionate — then you’re headed down a dangerous path. Get off it quickly.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography