Help sycophantic sibling grow a spine

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This article was published 10/01/2025 (570 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My younger brother is brain-smart, but people-dumb. He lies to people about all kinds of things. Whatever a new woman in his life likes, he says he likes, even if he actually hates it.

My mother is the same — she never openly disagrees with anyone, although she has her preferences and is just concealing them. “I’ll have what you’re having,” is what she always says when she goes out for dinner with anyone. I swear she would choke down an octopus if I ordered one.

She even gave my little brother the nickname Mini-Me. It’s pathetic. He’s a grown man now, but if a woman he likes is enthusiastic about a certain sport, he acts like he is, too. Same with any other subject. That’s exactly how my mother is, and I will note she doesn’t have any close friends in her life.

On her way out of his life, his last girlfriend said to me that at least I have a mind of my own.

So what can I do about his “me too” personality? How do I tell him he needs to get his head examined and find his own personality?

— Fed Up, Birds Hill

Dear Fed Up: Your brother should probably seek some counselling so he can learn to express his true preferences and interests without fear of somebody instantly rejecting him.

A good therapist will help him dig out his real preferences and desires and share them with others. His next step would be learning to let people disagree with him and not panic if that’s the case. He needs to practise reacting with a good-natured shrug, or a line like “I don’t agree with that, but you’re welcome to your opinion.”

Your mom could also likely benefit by discovering how she developed her agree-with-everyone habit. Was it a childhood coping mechanism, or was a parent or partner the type who needed to be right all the time? There’s lots to be considered in your whole family, and that could help your brother.

Agreeing with everyone, all the time, can put a person in very tricky social or workplace situations.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My life is taking a big turn. I’m a bisexual man and I recently left my male partner for a fantastic woman. She’s wonderful and makes me feel the same way my man did. She has great kids and now wants to have one more with me.

Our problem is friends and acquaintances have started butting in with unwelcome opinions.

Yesterday, I had to back my neighbour off my porch. He can’t seem to get his head around a person’s fluid sexuality and came over to rain on my parade. How can I deal with people like this?

— Proud Dad to Be, Winnipeg

Dear Proud Dad: Try this opening line: “This is my personal life, not yours. I didn’t request your input on my personal life, nor would I ever comment on yours. So let’s pretend we didn’t have this conversation and go on being good neighbours.”

Who wouldn’t take that offer? Next time you see him, wave and say hello as if nothing disrespectful ever happened. You don’t have to be buddies with him — just hammer home that he has no right to judge who you are or the choices you make.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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