Take it slow and easy with family reconciliation

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This article was published 19/02/2025 (560 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mother, who got pregnant as a 14-year-old, gave birth to me in Manitoba. She was too young to take care of a baby at that time, but her older sister had recently married and moved to British Columbia. She and her husband couldn’t have kids, so they offered to take me to live with them in Vancouver.

However, there was a price. The deal would be that there could be no interference whatsoever from my mother and other family members. It was pretty harsh, but the deal was accepted to give me a better life.

I must say my “new parents” took me into their hearts and treated me very well. I still really love them, but now that I’m an adult, I’m curious about my other family members.

I went online looking for anything I could find, and found out my birth mother later had another baby as a single mom in Manitoba — a girl who’s quite a bit younger than me.

She and I have found each other online and she looks like me and my mom. Now all three of us have decided to meet this summer and go camping.

This has made my adoptive mother extremely upset. It seems some people in the family want to get together and be a real family, but the older ones want to hold grudges. It’s giving me a splitting headache. Help.

— Wanting Togetherness, Western Canada

Dear Wanting Togetherness: Getting together is a start, even if it’s just a few of you from this fragmented family meeting for a weekend this spring. If that goes well, more family may want to come at another time — perhaps this summer or fall.

As the ringleader of this first get-together, you must be prepared to offer an example of peace and forgiveness through your own words and behaviour. You’ll be dealing with some people who are just curious about their family, but others who are also hurt, scared and angry.

Take your birth mother, a teenager who was never allowed to see you again after her older sister took you. She lived halfway across the country from her growing child.

Why did she get no invitations to visit? If there was no formal adoption, it’s likely the older sister and her husband might have been worried your mother would start demanding her baby back.

You’ll have to lead the way in getting to know and reconciling with your family members, so don’t push things too hard. I wish you good luck.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Unfortunately, I’m half mule. I’ve always felt the urge to kick — especially when I’m angry — and I’ve gotten into a lot of trouble over it, both in my family and playing sports. My dad was smart enough to get me into different types of football and soccer where I excelled. As an adult, there aren’t as many outlets.

I would be interested to know if any other people have the urge to kick like I do. In my family it was a joke, but it got me into a lot of trouble in school and in non-kicking sports.

— Mule Skinner Blues, West End

Dear Mule: You’ve suffered long enough. The kicking impulse must be embarrassing and it’s gotten you into a lot of trouble in your life.

Check for the possibility of restless legs syndrome, which might be responsible for the strong desire to move your legs when it doesn’t seem required for other people.

Have you been to specialist for a diagnosis? If not, start with your family physician who can recommend a pathway of tests and specialists to get to the bottom of this issue.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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