Prepare yourself for big question over child

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My first serious girlfriend has moved back to Winnipeg after two years.

When I ran into her, we were both kind of shocked. She had a little boy in a stroller and I must say, he looked kind of like me with the very same red, curly hair. That’s not such a common thing.

Would it be rude to hint at his paternity by asking something like, “Could that child be my baby?”

I can’t get to sleep thinking about my ex and son. Is he my little boy? What should I do?

— Totally Confused, West End

Dear Confused: Keep seeing this woman as a friend, and ask her the big question one day soon: “Am I this little boy’s daddy?” If she first looks at you for your emotional readout, be prepared for her to ask what you would want to do if she said yes. Try to think this out ahead of time.

If he is your little boy, he deserves more than a friendly hello.

Then you may be needing or wanting a paternity test, and she may want, at the very least, financial support.

Not that’s there’s anything wrong with that, but just be prepared for it and try to have kind and encouraging answers at the ready.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My ex-husband actually went and married this loser woman — a big drinker he had an affair with.

The wedding was to prove to me that it was worth his cheating and losing his family to get with her permanently.

Big deal, and I do mean big.

He bought me out of my portion of our house and paid a lawyer way too much to get free of me so he could live with his drunk.

But it’s backfired on him now. At a funeral for a mutual friend, I heard he was so down after being with her for several months that he’s also become angry and nasty himself, and now he’s drinking hard, too.

But tell me, how do I build a new life now? I feel absolutely clueless and so angry all the time, I can’t even explain it.

— Ex-Wife of Total Loser, East Kildonan

Dear Ex-Wife: Enough. It’s time for repairs. You’re still burning with anger. Daily negative emotions are hard on the brain and body. They also make your personality a turnoff for other people.

So, sit down with a couple of close relatives or friends and take back your life this summer. You can do it by working through a list of pleasurable or productive adventures without looking for romantic complications with a new person.

Instead, show love to yourself. Make a plan to get yourself in better physical, mental and emotional health with a list of 15-20 fun things to do this summer, such as small outdoor festivals, trips to beaches, visiting markets or parking your blanket at free concerts with a friend or two.

Make sure the events have nothing to do with your troubles — fairs and exhibitions, exploring beaches, taking photos of summer events such as the horse races, and a little schedule of evening walks with friends and neighbours.

You might also consider planting a garden with some of them. Sampling herbal teas and watching your garden grow can be very relaxing and inspire some interesting and unique conversations.

Be aware that gentle fun is actually quite healing.

Start checking off items on the list and you will feel more elevated week by week. It will inspire hope for a better future and for finding a better partner.

But don’t make finding a love partner your first priority. This summer is for you and friends and an uncomplicated happiness that will grow and help heal you.

Consider a summer plan that also includes a few visits to a counsellor who will help you see the negative and angry patterns in your thoughts and actions that got you into trouble so you don’t repeat them.

Consider Al-Anon for support as well (al-anon.org). It’s a fellowship offering a program of recovery for family and friends of alcoholics.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.