Meeting out-of-the-blue kin calls for sensitivity

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My daughter just came to me with information that has shocked me. When she was a teenager, she disappeared off to Montreal for a couple of years. It turns out she had a baby out east.

She gave her daughter up in a private adoption to an older work friend, who had a husband, a home and enough money to raise the child.

Then she quickly moved back here to Manitoba, and tried to put it behind her. She told nobody — not even me, her mom!

Now that the “baby” is a legal adult, she’s suddenly made herself known to her birth mother and she wants to meet the rest of her biological family. It’s just so much to take in, and she’s planning on coming here soon!

I’m her grandmother and I do want to meet her, yet I’m also afraid to meet her. What if she just says, “Hello… goodbye. Just wanted to see if I looked like you.” That would break my heart! What should I do?

— Scared, St. Boniface

Dear Scared: These “new-family” meetings can come at people suddenly, and all they can do is take a few deep breaths and open the door to their homes — and possibly their hearts!

Try very hard to stay positive through this difficult experience. Be careful what you say to anybody, as your granddaughter will be ultra-sensitive to any kind of rejection — real or incorrectly perceived. She will have her ear to the ground for any feedback.

Also, try to be sensitive to the people who raised her, as they’ll be scared stiff of losing part of her love to her biological family who may look and talk like her.

You may get some worried phone calls from Quebec and elsewhere, so be prepared to field them with kindness and sensitivity.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I used to have nightmares about the war, as I’m the daughter of a dad who fought in the Second World War. Now I’m a grandmother.

Remembrance Day services still mean a lot to me, but my grandchildren don’t really get it. I have seen photos, and I remember overhearing things from people who were actually in the war, like my father and other soldiers.

Then there were the few things Dad talked about with us kids — like playing his mouth organ in the foxhole at night.

How much should I pass down, and at what could put kids’ peace of mind at risk, especially in this increasingly belligerent world?

— Veteran’s Daughter, Winnipeg

Dear Veteran’s Daughter: Some kids can just gloss over troubling wartime details, and others are so affected they have recurring nightmares. It’s not something they can necessarily control, and it’s really not up to you to educate them.

Leave the decision to talk about war entirely to the kids’ parents. They know their children’s sensitivities, and how much they can handle hearing.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.