Forget ‘fate’ — focus on agency to move forward

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just ran into my old boyfriend — completely bald now, without his former gorgeous red hair and beard.

I didn’t recognize him at first. When I told him that, he stiffened up, looked me up and down and said, “And I see you’ve gained a few pounds yourself.”

Ouch! I’d forgotten he gives as well as he gets.

His face changed and he said, “That wasn’t wit. It was self-defence, but I’m sorry I said it now.” Then his wife showed up to meet him, and I was in for another surprise. She looked like she could be my sister! I didn’t say anything to address that point but said “hi” and “bye,” and made a quick excuse to scurry off.

Later that evening I got a call from my old love from his vehicle. He’d obviously kept my number.

The call went on a little too long as we caught up on years apart. Now I’m missing him! I think fate engineered our surprise meeting, but why?

— Fate’s Victim, North Kildonan

Dear Fate’s Victim: Rather than convincing yourself the meeting was meant to be, see it just as the coincidence it was and enjoy the conversation, in your mind.

You and he were a chapter in your life story, and now you’ve moved on and he has a new love. Do the smart thing and leave him alone!

If he calls again — and it’s likely he will — tell him that’s your plan. Then wish him and his wife the best in the rest of their lives together, and he will get the message.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My young wife and I were out Christmas shopping and had a fight in the mall parking lot. She called me a string of nasty names and slapped me across the face.

It’s not the first time, but it’s going to be the last time. She has a very loud voice, and people were pulling out their phones, no doubt to call the cops or to record our blow-up — so we got in our van and squealed out of there.

She has a serious drinking problem. That night I told her I’m planning to leave her after we spend the holidays with our big extended family, and she cried for hours. We have no kids at this point, and she says she loves me deeply and will never let me go.

Where do we go from here? She used to be so wonderful. Now she just scares me.

— Broken-Hearted, South St. Vital

Dear Broken-Hearted: If you’re willing to stay with her if she curtailed the drinking, consider contacting Al-Anon, an organization that aids and supports people who have an alcoholic in their lives. It’s a mutual-support group for those affected by a loved one’s addiction. Members meet to share their experiences and apply the Al‑Anon program to their own lives to better cope.

Fore more information, visit mbnwo-alanon.org or phone their Winnipeg branch at 204-943-6051.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.