Surprise sojourn comes with lots of baggage

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I received a Christmas card and a beautiful early “gift offer” from an old love who lives in Mexico every winter. He’s invited me to come down there and stay with him for two weeks. I’m no dummy! He must be lonely, and in need of some loving — that’s what we did best together.

He’s offered to send me a ticket. Of course, I’d be staying at his place the whole time. I’m tempted, but what if it turns out badly, and I want out of there in a hurry?

— Tempted by the Sunshine, North End

Dear Tempted: If you’d signed “Tempted by the Man I Still Love,” there might have been a chance you’d enjoy getting back together in sunny Mexico.

But if nothing has changed to make you a happier couple living under the same roof — sun or snow — don’t go! You’d just repeat the same mistakes you experienced together in Canada, only you won’t have friends and family around you as an escape.

Even if you did get along well at first, it’s just too much togetherness for an “iffy” couple. Should you decide to go and take a chance, don’t leave without an “open“ ticket, or enough money to fly home any day you want to come home.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband, who’s been cheating on me this fall, is my most hurtful problem. Oddly, I’m finding myself making his Christmas presents from scratch, as usual, and putting a lot of love and effort into them. Why? I don’t know, except old habits die hard, and I’m an artist and we’ve been married forever.

I do realize this is not healthy, but for me there’s the underlying question: Will this be our last Christmas together? He’d deserve that! He’s a brilliant man, but he’s hurt me so badly. He just calls his other women “stupid mistakes.”

Is he possibly sick of the “new” woman now, and needs me to beat the family war drum and threaten him with retaliation through our beloved kids? What does he really want? I figured it may be he just wants any way out of this marriage.

I offered to go talk to the most recent “other” woman on behalf of the family she’s wrecking. He was shocked, and kind of amazed. Then he wanted to know if I’d ever had a lover myself. I just offered him the tiniest of smirks. But that’s just stupid game-playing, isn’t it?

This morning, I woke up sick and tired. I got on the scales and I’ve already lost seven pounds in a month. So, what can I do? I can’t fall apart, as our teenage kids need me to be solid. So much for the usual old-fashioned Christmas!

— Miserable Wife, St. James

Dear Miserable: Don’t waste more time creating fancy Christmas presents to impress your wandering husband. His guilty feelings won’t make him love you more. Instead, focus on getting professional help for yourself now, as this relationship is making you ill.

Right now, you need to know help is on the way. So, see your medical doctor about the stress and sudden weight loss, and ask about getting emergency appointments with a psychologist or psychiatrist. This will help you hold yourself together, clarify your present situation with your cheating husband and start planning for a better future in the new year.

As for accepting the usual Christmas get-together invitations, when you’re struggling to hold it together for yourself, forget the needless pressure. You’ll just want close friends and your young family members, who love and support you, to be part of this year’s holiday season.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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