Mom’s flight impulse down to insecurity, not mate

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mother is a beautiful woman with a huge insecurity problem. She left my bio-dad when she was in her early 30s and married husband No. 2, who was younger by almost eight years. He was a great stepfather to me.

This week, I found out she’s leaving him. I phoned her and said, “Don’t tell me there’s another man.” She said, “OK, then I won’t tell you.”

So, then I knew there was one, and I broke down crying. Why? Because her second husband was so much nicer to me than my birth father ever was. I can’t stand to lose the only real dad I’ve ever known.

Then I called him. He said quietly, “Yes, I just found out about this other guy recently — and I’m still in shock.” He said he had no clue whatsoever my mom was unhappy with him. That’s how she operates — totally in secret.

I assured him it wasn’t about her feeling any unhappiness with him. She’s so insecure she needs someone new to start worshipping her. I will always love my mother deep down, but now I don’t respect her. I’m so angry with her, I feel like calling her the horrible names she deserves to hear. Help!

— Messed-Up, North End

Dear Messed-Up: It’s not likely Mom’s going to change at this point. So, she’s going to wait a bit, and then rave to you about some wonderful new guy she’s found.

So, tell her now you’re very hurt and disappointed by her treatment of Dad No. 2. Be sure to stress to her that you really need to distance yourself from her romantic life. Let her know this new guy may be a great boyfriend, but there will be no more ”replacement dads” for you.

Continue to see your mom and take part in activities with her, but inform her you won’t be closely involved with her romantic partners as “family” ever again, and that you’ll continue to see Dad No. 2 as your father.

Just be careful not to say anything that will make you feel worse. See a counsellor until you get out all your worst feelings and have found some new strategies to cope with Mom.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I didn’t think there was any danger in including my gay male buddy in nights out with my boyfriend and me, when it was just a fun activity.

My guy and I often kissed openly, and my gay friend looked the other way. Or so I thought!

I went out of town for one lousy week and when I came home, my best girl friend called to say she had to come over right away, because what she had to tell me would require staying overnight with me. What?

She came right over and gave me the news that people somehow know my boyfriend and my gay buddy had become more than just pals, and had been spotted at an LGBTTQ+ event at a club. I didn’t believe her, so she handed me her phone and said, “Call your boyfriend, and ask him to deny it.”

So, I called and asked him the big question, and there was a long silence. Finally, he confessed his real feelings. Now I’m in a state of shock! I’ve lost both my boyfriend and my best male friend. I feel betrayed, deeply hurt and embarrassed. It’s worse than losing my boyfriend to another woman. I feel incredibly stupid for not seeing it happening.

— So Blind, So Hurt, River Heights

Dear Blind and Hurt: Here’s a big clue you missed: Most guys would not want to be the third wheel on a date when a hot couple are kissing and making out in front of them. But neither your boyfriend nor your male buddy seemed to mind.

How long had this relationship between them been going on between them before you left the city? You might ask. Knowing details like that — even though they hurt — can help a person heal faster and move on.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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