Hold onto family secret and think things through

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: When our mother was away for a week after Christmas on a trip, my twin sister and I got into some dusty old boxes that we found tied up in the attic. We also found a trunk that I’m guessing belonged to my grandmother, or great-grandma even.

We opened it and found letters with a big secret in them — apparently my sister and I were never in the womb of our present “mother.” We were born into a much larger, different family that must somehow be related to us. Some of the photos also had my grandparents in them.

What I guess is my adoptive mom and dad must have taken us in as babies and raised us. For the record, she is an incredible mother and our dad is also great. We are the only kids they have raised. They gave us a wonderful life we wouldn’t have otherwise had.

So, now there’s this big question for my sister and me. Should we try to keep this secret quiet for the sake of the mom and dad who raised us, and think we don’t know? My sister wants me to stay quiet, but I can’t hold this in much longer. It feels like a physical ailment. The secret is killing me. What now?

— Whose Daughters? Manitoba

Dear Daughters: It’s best to confess to both your parents about what you discovered, and learn the whole complicated story now.

This could actually bring your birth mother back into your lives. Just prepare yourself for the possibility your lifelong adoptive folks may not want that. Would that be a good thing, or a painful thing for you?

It’s important to explore your feelings before acting too suddenly. This is a major conversation for you and your sister to have with your mom and dad and they may have had good reason for not exposing you to your birth parents, especially if they were unfit to raise children.

If you do decide to reach out to your birth mother and/or father someday, remember they may need time to come to terms with this development. Give them that space and tell them you’ll try again down the road, if necessary. First thoughts are not necessarily last thoughts, and you don’t have to give up.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Is it rude to return Christmas gifts of clothing you don’t like, even if they fit you? That is my problem. I did this recently with gifts from my aunts, a month after Christmas, and just kept the money. I feel like it shouldn’t be a big deal, but you know how family can be.

If my aunts find out, what should I do? They’ve never even tried to get to know what I like. They hardly talk to me anyway, and I’m sick of feeling bad about it.

— Guilty Nephew, West End

Dear Guilty: If it’s your first time seeing the aunts since Christmas, you can always say, “Thanks for the Christmas gifts,” while quickly exiting the room to get away from more questions.

If the aunties nab you and ask you specific questions, and you can’t remember any gift details, say, “I’ll get back to you on that. Gotta run now!”

If they really press you, tell them the clothes didn’t fit, but you returned them and plan to get other clothing with the money. Be sure to thank them for the gifts as well, even though they weren’t quite your style.

It’s never worth telling a big lie to get out of what is very likely a small, insignificant conversation. They are family after all, and will likely understand!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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