‘Meaningless’ for mate, but catastrophic for you

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I thought my husband and I were both “straight and highly sexual” but now I find out from a trusted friend that something else is going on.

I didn’t suspect anything, because the other person my husband is seeing is not a woman.

My husband admits it now he’s been caught, but keeps saying it’s “just casual.” And he had the nerve to say I’m making a “big deal out of meaningless sex.”

I can’t compete to win back my own husband, and I’m a wreck! So I finally asked him if this was his first male partner since getting together with me. He just said, “When you’re someone like me, you can’t go forever without a little of the other.”

I said, “How long have you been cheating on me with men?” He looked up from nodding his head like he was counting something, and then he refused to answer. He’s obviously been the greatest faker on Earth. I never sensed his straying all this time.

He’s stopped talking about it now, as if this giant betrayal will just fade away.

Our bedroom holds so many memories of lovemaking that was tender and very good for the most part. My husband is also miserable now. We do love each other, and he is willing to continue the marriage if I can “accept and live with his situation.”

Help me, please.

— Shocked Wife, North Kildonan

Dear Shocked: Sexual betrayal often severs trust for good. It may still hurt you every time “the wanderer” goes out the door alone.

At some point, you’ll probably have had more than enough of this kind of pain, and your friends will urge you to get out of the situation.

Living alone won’t help the depression, but residing with other people — family, a friend or a small group in a big house — could help pick you up mood-wise faster than you think.

It’s time to talk with a therapist on your own to help you make sense of this — to heal and to make plans that will help you be able to look forward to the rest of your life.

This is just a chapter, though a big one.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I stole some money off a friend and replaced it before he knew it was gone. Do I have to tell him?

— Feeling Pretty Guilty, St. James

Dear Guilty: If you don’t tell him, he won’t know, but you still will!

Instead, confess exactly what you did, apologize deeply and ask how you can make it up to him.

Don’t offer him extra cash, as it will feel like you think you can just buy him off whenever you need to ask for forgiveness.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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