No invites unless judgmental aunties lighten up

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My common-law husband and I are in our early 30s with two young kids and two giant dogs. We’re planning something exciting for the family — a belated church marriage with our kids and dogs in bow ties, standing up with us!

Our loving “union,” as we have called our relationship, has already lasted longer than half of the married couples who held big church weddings we attended. We’re still delighted with each other.

So, here’s the plan: We don’t want or need presents. We’re just having a ceremony with our extended family, a buffet and a dance in the little church hall.

Trouble is, we’re having a problem with the religious aunties who have declared this wedding “nothing but a drinking party and a mockery of what should have been a sacred event, years ago.”

Could we just not invite them and their sour faces? The invitations go out soon. What do you suggest?

— Finally Tying Knot, Winnipeg

Dear Doing It: You’re so far down this happy road, you really don’t need to invite the old aunties and their disapproving faces. That’s unless someone acts as an intermediary and gets them to agree to sweeten up their attitudes and keep judgments to themselves.

No doubt the aunties would love to be there — after all, you two are doing what they always wanted — but they have to behave. Your mom would be the logical one to inform them they’ll have to watch their tongues if they don’t want to miss out on the family celebration.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Sometimes I wish I could send thank-you notes to my early boyfriends — the ones I loved when I was too young to get married.

One taught me how to love and adore. Then the guy that came into my life later, taught me how to be a world-class lover, but we just weren’t a personality match for life.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a man that was a combination of those two, so I married a “nice guy” and had kids while I still could. Now he and I are divorced, and my kids have also flown the coop, so it’s lonely in this big house in the suburbs. What can you suggest for me?

— Need a New Love, Transcona

Dear Need a New Love: Real love can only come to you if you stop looking backwards at old loves.

You could consider selling the big, empty family home and find a cosier new abode. You need to meet new neighbours, get social and make friends, so don’t move to another area that mostly caters to young families.

An apartment or condominium that has a gym and a pool for residents would allow you to meet people, even when it’s -40 C.

From there, get involved with groups or activities that appeal to you, whether that’s yoga, dance classes, boxing or making pottery — places you can meet interesting people.

Another great option is volunteering, especially for a group or organization you’re passionate about, as you may meet like-minded people to connect with. Visit volunteermanitoba.ca to find out about opportunities.

If you don’t already have a pet, that could also help. Walking a dog can be a good way to meet people — through one another’s four-footed “ambassadors.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m another of those after-Christmas dropouts. I came back home, tail between my legs, from university in another province, knowing I would not go back.

My hometown girlfriend — the so-called “love of my life” — was not impressed. She broke up with me a week after she got a beautiful watch from me for Christmas. She’d picked it out herself, and it almost broke me.

My only stability? I’m back working with my dad at his business, and only he knows what all happened at school, from my serious distress calls home in the fall. My mother does seem to have a bit of inkling, as tells Dad she’s worried about me “staying home and getting depressed.” Ironically, I’m just coming out of the depression.

Mom still hopes I’ll get educated in a scientific field — and “invent something amazing.” As a kid I used to invent things for fun, and she used to tell me I’d make the family rich one day. My dad just listens to me, says nothing and gives me a hug to help me feel better.

I recently realized how much I like working with my quiet dad, who is a successful businessman. Maybe something could work out for me in the family business.

Then, I got a big shock. My ex-girlfriend phoned again and said she wants me to “smarten up and consider getting back together.” I just hung up on her. She keeps on calling and calling now. What should I do?

— So Done, central Manitoba

Dear So Done: Call her back just one more time and tell her calmly you’re finished with her for good. If she starts to argue, repeat your statement, then tell her to stay away and not contact you. You’re feeling a great deal of stress over leaving your studies, so you just don’t need this.

As for your future, why not be honest with your parents about the fact you’re really not feeling a passion for pursuing a science degree? Instead, you could look into a field of study that would be a good fit with your father’s business. It really seems to interest you and it’s time to start pursuing the future you want — not one your mother is fixated on.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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