Perhaps opt to take things ‘downhill’ in the healthy sense

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: People I never expected to hear from again are calling me to pull me back into my old group of drinkers and gamblers. But I realize that old lifestyle got me into so much trouble that I desperately needed rescuing a few years ago. I was headed for a bad outcome — even a complete end.

I know I should never go back to drinking and gambling, although I’m tempted because those people were so much more fun than the sober people I’m surrounded by now. My drinking buddies really liked me and thought I was smart and funny.

Then out of the blue this week, I got a phone call from my sister in Alberta asking me to come and move in with her, saying she has an exciting skiing-related job waiting for me with her company.

But it’s in a different province where I don’t know anybody, and I’m shy. I’m scared if I go there I’ll die of loneliness if I don’t like my sister’s friends. She claims she’s involved with a great group of mostly single people in their late 20s and 30s who ski very well like she does (and like I used to do).

I’m at loose ends now — I really don’t know what to do. Help, please.

— Torn, central Manitoba

Dear Torn: One of the first rules for anyone at a crossroads is stop doing more of what doesn’t work. The old buddies with the dangerous drinking and wagering lifestyle that has already gotten you into trouble are calling out to you “lovingly” again — but you need to ignore those people. You already know this crew’s lifestyle includes a lot of partying and can lead you down the path toward the bad ending you mention.

On the other hand, there’s real hope for a positive lifestyle change with your sister offering family love and sporting activities in which you already have skills and some confidence. Plus, your sister has new friends there for you to meet and has lined up gainful employment for you.

If you’re still confused, look at a third choice. A skilled life counsellor could help you look at a number of job and lifestyle possibilities that combine your skill sets and the type of people you enjoy being with, minus the over-drinking and gambling.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I got a weird phone call over the holidays. My biological mother is in her 60s and now she wants to meet me. I was taken in as a baby by another family in a nearby town and raised lovingly as their own, though not formally adopted, for some reason I still don’t know.

I told my biological mother that I’d be doing a disservice to my mom who raised me if I start calling another woman my mother — one who didn’t care enough to ever see me when I was young.

But now I’m wondering if I should have met in person with my biological mom just once in order to see what she looks like and get a sense of her personality, and also ask about my father if she knows much about him.

Unfortunately, I told her I wanted nothing to do with her and I may have been somewhat harsh. So now what? I do have her number — but I’m chicken.

— Confused Bio-Son, Fort Garry

Dear Confused: Since you seem to want a clearer picture of your biological mother and to ask a few questions about your dad, it’s probably wise you reconsider reaching out, or else you may end up regretting it later on if you totally lose contact with her or she dies.

You could meet her in a professional setting with a relationship counsellor present to direct the line of questioning for both of you in order to facilitate things and avoid any resentment or ill feelings.

You might also ask your biological mother to get together with you again, this time for some counselling. If you do so, you might want to bring along any photographs you have from your earlier years growing up.

If your biological mom gets nasty with you for any reason, have a prior agreement with the counsellor to just get up and end the conversation if it can’t be resolved.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography