Don’t let ego convince you ex still has feelings

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My second wife is a beautiful woman, but she isn’t nearly the hot lover my first wife was. Sometimes when I’m lying awake, I think, “Isn’t it crazy that I cheated on my first love and not this one?” I can only explain it by thinking I was a man with greater needs than most when I was young.

Now I’m feeling restless in my second marriage, and when I see my first wife to pick up and drop off the kids we share, I do really miss her.

When I make little references to my ex about that, she just tells me I blew it and not to talk about it in front of her or the kids. Talk about holding grudges. I get the feeling she stills cares, or is that just my male ego talking again?

— Feeling Restless, southwestern Manitoba

Dear Restless: Sounds like ego to these ears.

Some people think all their former loves still remember the hot times and miss them, when the truth is most remarried people have moved on to their new sex partner.

Think about it. If they were the one who got cheated on in the first marriage, they aren’t pining after the person who hurt and embarrassed them.

On the other hand, if the sex life ground to a halt because both people got too busy with work and children, but there were no heartbreaking affairs, some separated and divorced people can get counselling help. Then a few of them fall back into love, and may enjoy passionate sex and a happier relationship than they ever had.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: An old love — a musician I thought was out east — showed up on my doorstep last week. At first I wasn’t sure it was him because he was full-bearded and wearing a tuque. But, he called out his four French names (including the weird old-world one) that he doesn’t tell everybody. I laughed and let him in.

My husband and I both have good jobs and live in my old family home that has housed generations of us, and my ex-boyfriend knows a free hotel when he sees one.

He’s full of charm, and technically he’s unemployed now since he doesn’t work except for singing, but I guess he lives pretty well on his family money. There was lots of it when I first knew him, and then some old relative died and left him a real bundle. My husband came home and met him, and we invited him to stay for dinner, which turned into wine-drinking and singing, and then he stayed several nights in our spare bedroom.

The funny thing is my husband liked him so much he could have stayed longer, but I felt that was too weird for me. Our friend left quite suddenly and we were wondering where he was — and if he’s already staying with one of his many girlfriends, or boyfriends, from across the country. You never know.

Today he finally phoned us from some woman’s place far away, so I think he’s OK.

Both my husband I really care about him. What can we do for him to be a bit of a back-up financially when gigs are few, or is that none of our business?

— Puzzling It Out, The Gates

Dear Puzzling: Did you ever ask exactly what he lives on?

You might be surprised.

He is lovable and may still have family who supply adequate money for food and shelter, so they can stop worrying about him between paying gigs.

It’s time to quiz him the next time you hear from him and find out. He may be proud and not want to worry people with his hard times, especially those well-meaning souls who might not understand his lifestyle and want to argue him out of it — and into a boring job.

So try to get him on the phone in the afternoon when musicians get up, and ask if there’s any way you can help that would be acceptable to him.

He may have some ideas, or he may be a little miffed. You just take that chance.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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