Stick with familial roles that work for you

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My teenage mother abandoned me as a baby boy. She left town after dropping me off to live with my teenage father, who still lived with his parents and their large Franco-Manitoban family. I had a good life and was spoiled by him, mémère and all the other kids.

My birth mother moved in with some of her family in another province, and didn’t figure in my life at all. I never saw her or heard from her, but I wasn’t really bitter about that. She just didn’t exist for me, except for a photo or two.

My grandmother, who told me to call her Mom if I wanted, was a great mother figure to me. She and my grandfather really loved all the kids, including me — the surprise new baby.

But now my birth mother is coming back to Manitoba for a holiday and has told people in the family she wants to see me. Why now? To see how I turned out without her? My stomach churns when I think about it. I’ve had a good life and I don’t want her coming back to claim me as her son now.

I love the people I know as “Mom” and “Dad” who raised me. My birth father is almost like a much older brother, and he has a serious girlfriend these days, although he’s not married.

I don’t want any changes! I don’t even know what I would say to my birth mother who didn’t love me enough to want to keep me or even come back to see me. How should I handle this?

— Not Happy to Meet ‘Mom,’ Winnipeg

Dear Not Happy: If you refuse to see your birth mother, it could become a bigger deal in your mind and bother you more than if you finally just meet her. The meeting could be brief, but the situation will probably settle into a better place in your mind once you do it.

You might consider getting some counselling ahead of time, so you’re better prepared for this stressful meeting. Ask your grandma to stick close by you and help you when it takes place.

Be prepared to feel less reactive than you imagine you will be, because your grandma will still feel more like your real mother after all the years you have been together in these family roles.

As for your birth father, he may have just played a sort of big-brother role, and that’s fine. If your birth mother says she wants to have a more motherly role with you now that she’s older, you can tell her “Thanks, but no thanks.”

That role was filled by mémère when you needed it, but you might be OK to be friends with her. So let your birth mom know that, if that’s really how you feel. You don’t owe her too much at this late date, so don’t agree to anything just out of guilt or embarrassment.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My sister wants to have “Christmas in September” because she just got home from living overseas, in a place where Christmas was really not observed.

She wants us to go so far as hauling out the fake Christmas tree and exchanging gifts. I say no! We sent her gifts overseas last December and that’s enough for this year, don’t you think?

I’m not in the mood for a second Christmas. Besides, she’ll be home for this Christmas, which is only four months away. What do you think? — Rolling My Eyes, North End

Dear Rolling: Don’t make fun of your sister for confessing to this holiday wound she’s been carrying — she’s not spoiled, just hurting a bit at missing out on something she obviously cherishes.

You could still have a low-key “Christmas” brunch party with small gifts for your sister and a few simple decorations. A plant decorated with Christmas ornaments will make her smile and possibly shed a few tears of gratitude. That won’t break the bank for anyone, but it might help boost your sister’s morale. Don’t stand in the way of that kind of healing opportunity.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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