Creatures’ comfort key to coping with loss

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Not long ago I lost my husband to illness at far too young an age. My spouse was a great guy, but I do want another one.

I just want to pass on a little tip. When my husband was dying, he encouraged me to bring home warm and loving pets to our acreage just outside the city. They were my saviours when my husband was ill.

Since he has died, they continue to help me keep warm, happy and affectionate. They were my greatest comfort in the later stages when my man was in too much pain to hold me or be held. The cats and the dog would welcome me home from the hospital and transfer their cuddling to me, giving me all the attention I needed, and I always felt so loved.

I have been dating a fair bit for a fairly recent widow because I’m ready to be held and loved, and I feel my husband and the pets saying, “Way to go.”

I got all the love and attention I needed from my man when he was able and from our pets whenever he went into the hospital and I needed to be surrounded with warmth and comfort.

We are now a warm and happy mixed human and animal family who miss him. But I have no doubt I will be able to love a new man when he comes along because of what has surrounded me.

— Here’s to the Animal Kingdom, Birds Hill

Dear Here’s to the Kingdom: Thanks for writing with your unique and helpful information for helping a couple through a very painful time, right up to the end.

Some think only dogs can be warm, helpful and healing in times of trouble or an illness, but that’s not the case. People have benefited from the affection of all sizes and types of pets who sense their pain and will get up close to do what they know how to do best — relax, give warmth and cuddles, and instinctively make calming sounds such as purring and relaxed breathing.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband dropped the kids off at my house from his weekly visitation and whispered in my ear that he was “free now and would welcome a little visit some night.” Such a charmer.

Frankly, I’m guilty of being a bit of a sex machine, myself. The only thing I’m mourning from our marriage is the ever-ready sex from him. What can you do before you find a new lover, especially when you find out the old one is still available any time you want to call?

— Tempted to Cave, Charleswood

Dear Tempted: Some exes secretly visit each other for sex, long after they part, and many find it’s not a productive thing to do since they often pay for it afterwards, with one or both parties feeling a returning rush of emotional pain and emptiness, as if they have just gone through the breakup all over again. Plus, they’ve likely set back their quest to find new and healthier love with someone else. Who really wants to be part of that?

You don’t have to settle for a rerun of this depressing real-life show with your former husband. You don’t need an old partnership that didn’t work. Plus, your kids don’t need to witness a relationship that only functions when their parents hit the bedroom. It’s a sad lesson for them.

There are lots of other warm and affectionate free men who would love to enjoy the company of a sensual woman with a great personality. You don’t have to pay for your breakup settling for an old sex partner and no warm romantic love to go with it.

Also, it’s a bad lesson to teach your kids — that the only place their parents can get along is in the bedroom with the door locked.

So it could be time to open up a new door in your heart and give another promising person a chance in your life.

Look into joining groups for social, recreational or creative pursuits, or even seek out opportunities to volunteer that interest you, and you’ll have a good chance of meet interesting, like-minded people.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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