Mom’s criticism has lingering effects

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This article was published 18/05/2016 (3472 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am a liar. I tell big lies and lots of them. I even lie about things I don’t need to lie about it. When people ask me a question, I look them in the eye and tell them a big story I think they would like to hear. I run my own successful business out of my house, so the products I sell on the Internet don’t really require me to speak to people much. Oddly enough, I am honest in my business. It is when people look at me and say anything personal; I feel their criticism, even if they don’t think it.

My mother was hypercritical and used to grab me and make her look her in the eye. That’s where I learned to lie. Even though she’s dead and gone, I still lie to her in my dreams. The trouble is my siblings know I lie compulsively and don’t believe anything I say. Who can blame them? I hardly see them anymore. They just see me at family gatherings and tell me about their families. They don’t ask any questions.

I don’t have a boyfriend or any kids, just my dogs. They don’t care what I look like or what I say. They just love me. I know this is a sick way to be, but what can I do?

— Big Fat Liar, Winnipeg

Dear Big Fat Liar: You need to see a psychiatrist or psychologist — someone who can help you work through the harm your mother’s criticism did to you and help you neutralize that negativity. Then you can start building up some good self-esteem. It will take time, but it’s more important than anything else, over and above your living expenses. 

Psychiatrists are paid for by Medicare, but they are in short supply and have long waiting lists. Talk to your physician boldly about your compulsive lying, even if you have to write it out and hand the confession to him or her, so you don’t have to look at the doctor in the eyes. That’s when you colour-up the story for people. The doctor can give you a referral for a psychiatrist.

There’s another way to go. Psychologists cost money if you don’t have insurance such as the group insurance usually provided at bigger workplaces. The good thing is you can make your own appointments and it doesn’t take long to get in. You’re ready for the help right now. If you have money, a psychologist might be the best place to start.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: There’s this customer who comes in and spends a lot of money in my store, but she is always rude. Today she referred to me as “Girl!” when she wanted something down from a shelf. I wanted to kick her butt. Even more than that, I wanted her money. She drops a couple hundred dollars every time she comes in and I need the business. How should I handle her?

— Nobody’s Servant, Winnipeg

Dear Nobody’s Servant: Paste a smile on your face and correct her like she is a spoiled but beloved child. When she next calls you “Girl!” turn to her and say: “I don’t think you have any idea you’re being rude, so I’m going to tell you my name, as you come here so often, and let’s be friends, shall we? Adding a “please” makes me want to help people even more.” Then hold out your hand to hers and shake it, and smile some more. Good luck!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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