Second-place husband deserves freedom

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This article was published 24/08/2018 (2961 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I told my husband I loved him before we got married in my early 20s, but I really loved somebody else who could never be with me, or so I thought. We were only in our teens when the guy I really loved was taken by this girl who became pregnant and they had to get married. I cried myself to sleep on his wedding day. I live two towns over on the same highway now. I always kept an ear open for news of this guy, and what do you know — he and his wife broke up a month ago. 

I’m still married to my second-place choice, a nice-enough man, but not my idea of a lover, husband and father of my babies. I’m afraid to make a move, and just as afraid not to. If I don’t go after this guy, I will be disappointed in myself because I have idolized him since high school. I know he really liked me, too. 

I’m 27 now and I don’t have any children because I never felt that deeply about my husband. He’s like a friend. This guy I am so crazy about has only the one child. I feel an urgency to at least make contact with this guy, but I’m married. What should I do? What do you think of Facebooking him and trying to be his new friend? 

— Wanting My True Love, Southern Manitoba

Dear Wanting: Time has run out. Your poor husband deserves to be set free and the guy you really want should not hear from you on Facebook as a fake friend. It’s time to tell your husband you’re not invested enough in the relationship to stay with him and that you don’t want to hold him back from having a woman who’s crazy in love with him. Then you should move out and get a divorce.

That will make you a single woman, free to approach the guy you really hanker for. Let him know you’re single too, that you were always attracted to him and you’d like to see him sometime for coffee or dinner.

Yes, it’s a big risk. But you must leave your husband because you both need to be free. Maybe you’ll end up with the one who got away, maybe not. By this time, your husband may not love you either. It’s doubtful you’ve been very warm to him. He may be the type to think he could never break his wedding vows. 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was so sick of being at the lake with my family, I wanted to sell the cabin. My husband came down for two weeks in July, but he kept going back and forth to the city the rest of the time. He seemed to love the cabin on the weekends. Last Saturday, I broached the subject of selling the cabin and he did the one thing I never expected him to do — he cried! He stood there with tears running down his face, then turned around, got in the car and went back to the city. I packed the rest of us up and went home too, but he wasn’t there.

I called all his friends and they were evasive. Some said they hadn’t heard from him since he got back. He finally came home Sunday night, with a confession. He has another woman he says he “loves” in the city. I am livid, just furious! He was crying not because he loved our cabin, but because selling it would break up the cheating lifestyle he had going on. 

I have news for him: I don’t want to break up with him and lose the lifestyle he provides. I deserve at least that! If we split up, we will go from a family with a house, cabin and two cars to beggars who can’t afford to send their children to university. 

— Shocked Beyond Belief, River Heights

Dear Shocked: You need marriage counselling like you need your next breath — one or two long private sessions for you to work out your anger and confusion, and then joint sessions with your husband. Friends and family are not usually helpful as confidants, because they all have their own prejudices. This mess is more than you two can handle alone. Professional counselling won’t guarantee any outcome, but it will help to sort things out after this terrible explosion.

As for forcing your husband to stay with you, forget that idea. You will get a settlement and monthly support, but it’s unlikely you will maintain the same lifestyle. It’s time you got a full-time job again, plus a lawyer and an accountant. Your parents might help with those expenses, if they have the money to do so. 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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