Exiting the ‘friend zone’ not as hard as it seems

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 22/08/2018 (2963 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: This guy called Warming asked you, “How does one start a conversation with a complete stranger, or approach them or get their number without seeming totally creepy?” In your response, you told him where to connect with people and provided good advice on building connections. But the core issue of “creepy” remains unanswered. So here’s the challenge of being a modern, feminist, enlightened man (I’m 45, single, and doing OK at dating, actually).

A woman who is also single and looking for a relationship with a man like this guy who wrote you, will be flattered and receptive. For anyone else, it’s just another unwelcome advance. So, men like Warming and myself have to tread carefully.

My one solution is to use the online dating platforms as it is assured the women there are open to being approached. Other than online or at singles events, approaching any woman with the intent of starting a relationship is creepy by definition. The flippant retort then is to approach somebody only with the intent of being friends. Yeah… that works if you can lie to yourself (never a good idea) and still have enough motivation to risk the engagement.

Attraction is the motivator to get out of your comfort zone. The woman can likely read that and will react appropriately to your advance. That could be a “nice to meet you” response, a “not again (another creep!)” response or something else.

I don’t think a good response can be predicted without knowing something about the person. If you can find that out from someone else, great. If you go for the information directly, your cover will likely be blown, leaving you back where you started.

— Single Guy, Westwood

Dear Single Guy: Whoa! Much of what you say is true, but women are not so fast to label a man as a creep as you think. The fact a man is attracted to a woman and lets it be known is not enough to send a healthy woman running. They are not as scared and reactive as you seem to think. Women often do assign someone new to the friend zone, at least at first. They are just being careful until they get to know you. There are some crazies out there of both sexes. But if a man finds a woman attractive and expresses it casually, it’s most often taken as a compliment.

Also, you don’t have to sneak around and “research” women before talking to them, just ask a few good questions. “What do you like to do for fun?” “What kind of outdoor activities do you like?” “Seen any good movies this summer?” Good luck in your search.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a university student starting a graduate program in the city. The friends I made as an undergrad have moved on to programs elsewhere. We had a small but close study crew who got together regularly. I know I will make friends again, but right now I feel overwhelmed because I know my program is going to be intense. The truth is, I’m not that great at making friends to begin with, so I’m really feeling the pain of their absence.

The thought of going through this alone is giving me anxiety. To make matters worse, I was really starting to like this guy in my group who now lives a few provinces away. Any suggestions what I can do to ease this transition?

— Freaking Out On Campus, Winnipeg

Dear Freaking Out: What I call “buddy studying” on Skype is a great way to be with a friend when you’re working and studying far away from each other — and it’s free. You can keep your friend in a corner of the screen and either talk to or ignore each other. You just leave it on — for hours if you want. I know people who do this to put an end to the isolation of working as a freelancer, or to keep an eye on single, older relatives.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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