Naughty or nice, help Santa’s dream come true

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This article was published 22/12/2018 (2828 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: We are newlyweds, and my husband confessed a week ago he has always had a fantasy of being a naughty Santa who arrives with a bag of beautiful gifts, and rouses and romances the lady of the house. They end up doing the full-tilt boogie under the Christmas tree, of course!

His first wife thought the fantasy was stupid. She was a grump and a killjoy. I’m more fun-loving, but this has never been my personal fantasy, so I don’t know how to act. What should I do?

— Mrs. Santa in the Wings, Sage Creek

Dear Mrs. Santa: What an opportunity to make your partner’s fantasy come true! Ask your husband for all the details of his fantasy to help you set the stage. He’ll be coming through the door — not the chimney — so find out what he’d like you to be wearing (or not wearing) when you greet him. Ask him how he imagines the scene progresses and what kind of music he imagines would be playing. And what about the lighting? Food and drink? Let him direct the drama of his dreams by talking about it openly ahead of time. Enjoy! It sure beats watching a Christmas movie.

He’ll take care of his own costuming, of course, and you’ll wear something that you know will go with the script in his mind. Have some snacks and refreshments he’d like at the ready — anything from champagne and appies to milk and cookies. Have a ball — and no complaining, as that would spoil it for both of you. Please write back and tell me how it goes.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Here’s a little story from my life that always gives me a chuckle. I’m thinking of it as a response to Anger is Rising, who wrote about his wife’s repeated cheating and his admission of hitting her in the past.

My mom was 5-2 and my dad was 6-0. When they were first married in 1936, she told him, “If you ever hit me, just remember you can’t stay awake forever. The first time you hit me, and you fall asleep, I will take a cast-iron frying pan and you will find out what it is like to be hit!” Well, she was never hit and they were married until Mom died more than 40 years later.

Anger is Rising does need to control his anger, but she still stayed with him after she cheated three times. Why didn’t he find out why she cheated, so she’d never be tempted again? There was something that drove her into someone else’s arms. Something in his technique needs work, but he never asked what, so she wouldn’t be tempted again.

Also, she should have told him after the first assault, that if it ever happened again, she would go to the police. For other couples out there, let this be a template for a successful relationship: open honesty, with a mind open to looking at one’s shortcomings and being ready to grow and change, can be a win-win situation.

— Married 56 Years, East Kildonan

Dear Married 56 Years: You never know what’s missing in a letter to a personal advice column. This husband may have poor technique or maybe doesn’t like having sex with his wife at all, for a variety of reasons. He may be experiencing erectile dysfunction, she may have poor hygiene, he may not like certain kinds of sex she craves or he may even prefer men. There are so many things that may have come between them. That being said, nothing short of self-defence ever excuses violence against a partner. You and your partner are two of the lucky ones.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is for Feeling Upset and Unloved, the woman who learned her adult children will be trying to push her to live in a senior’s home after Christmas. It sounds like she is a highly capable and well-functioning senior. Sometimes, family members don’t recognize this — all they see is someone getting older and living alone, without a plan or supports in place. And so they worry.

If she wants to stay in her own place, she can arrange for home care or private housekeeping, and Victoria Lifeline in case of a fall. If she is living an active life volunteering or socializing with friends, her family needs to know this. But, she should also have a plan for what to do if her health deteriorates.

If she has the financial means, there are some great assisted-living facilities in Winnipeg that are more like resorts with meal service, housekeeping and activities. She needs to let her family relax, knowing she has a plan in mind for when she can’t live at home anymore.

— Stopping Their Pre-emptive Strikes, Winnipeg

Dear Stopping: Your ideas are good. Some families think grandma may not know what’s going on in her own life. Grandma should do her research for the future. Then, she can tell her kids she knows what they are up to and that they need to back off or risk damaging their relationship. I also think gran should offer to visit them for a few days next Christmas, as young families often like to be in their own homes for the holidays.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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