Forgo baby grievance, get on same page with wife

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 28/01/2021 (2084 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife and I had all-consuming, big-money careers and had kind of decided (though not 100 per cent) that we wouldn’t have time for raising children.

My wife loved being a career woman and I deeply loved my career and all its creativity. She was good at what she did, but it gave her stress headaches.

In the fall, when her business projects were cut in half because of COVID, she admitted, she “didn’t miss them.” Also, she hadn’t had a headache in a long time. A week ago she very shyly suggested she might quit taking birth control. I looked at her, and said, “Are you sure?”

She gave me a great big smile like I hadn’t seen in years, and said, “Oh, I’m sure!” There was something strange in the ways she said it. You guessed it: she’s already pregnant!

The story came out that she quit taking birth control pills three months ago. Now we’re having a baby, and we can’t afford the lifestyle we have now. When I told her glumly that we’d have to sell our beautiful big house, she laughed and said, “So we’ll live in an igloo.” I don’t recognize this woman.

My problem? I wish she’d discussed it with me before she went ahead and did it. I’m not a “boss”-type man. I just thought we were closer than that. I asked her why, and she just shrugged and said, “Whatever the fates decided. If it didn’t happen, we’d just continue as we were.”

That sounds like gobbledygook to me and I told her so. She broke down and said through tears,“I’d hoped you’d be happy.” I am a little happy, now that I’ve had time to swallow it. I just feel like I was left out of the decision-making.

— Father-to-be, Sage Creek

Dear Father-to-be: Yep, you were! You were left out, and you do have the right to see your wife as in the wrong. Or, you can let it go and try to enjoy the “unauthorized” pregnancy and the good thing that’s about to happen.

Some women take years to get pregnant, so if it’s a known plan that the couple wants to conceive, it can be a build-up and with disappointment every month if there’s no conception. Also, a number of women have miscarriages in the first few months. It sounds like your wife was waiting to have something positive to tell you, and went through the angst herself.

Why spoil this? Give up on this argument and start enjoying the adventure that’s about to unfold for both of you! You’re going to be a daddy to a little boy or girl who adores you this summer. You may find you love it! Congratulate your wife and yourself for this miracle and get on with the planning.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My body is on fire for a man who has started working for our company. He and I have jobs where we have to be inside the workplace and working closely, masked of course. It’s kind of intimate, in a funny way. And he’s so funny and brilliant compared to most around here.

I knew I liked him right off the bat, but I didn’t know he liked me back until we were working late the other night. He held up my coat to put my arms in, and said he was walking me to my car “and no arguments.” At the car we almost kissed, but didn’t quite, because he said apologetically, “It wouldn’t be right, would it?”

I knew exactly what he meant, but I think it’s too late. We’re both attracted, and we’re both single, late 20s, with our own places. What should we do now? I can’t afford to jeopardize my great job and neither can he. Our boss is in his 50s and kind of old-fashioned.

— Ready to Explode, Downtown

Dear Ready to Explode: When sparks are already flying, it may not be a matter of what to do, but when it will happen. Some people tell management if an actual relationship starts happening (not just a one- or two-night fling). And sometimes the boss is OK with it, and glad to know what’s going on.

You might, however, find yourself put on different projects to keep things fair for others. A romantic pair as part of a group project can be a problem, depending on their personalities.

Other bosses just don’t want to know! If you do get into a relationship with Sparky, consider the management style of your boss before confessing anything.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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