Stressful season can be the time to reach out

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This article was published 23/12/2020 (2108 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR READERS: Alcohol, substance and gambling addictions are emotionally-loaded issues, especially at holiday times, when there are high hopes for happiness and family togetherness.

— Miss L.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Many years ago, when I met my husband-to-be, I had a horrible gambling problem. He gave me an ultimatum. I went for help, and I felt I had that monster beat. We married, raised a family and had a good life. But, my new addiction became this — creating a perfect family and perfect home. I gave every ounce of my energy to the house and them. I quietly saved a lot of my paycheques, and my husband’s business was doing very well.

Then, when the kids grew up and moved out, I suddenly felt useless. My husband’s business keeps him working 14 hours day, so he didn’t pay much attention to me. Something within me weakened. I had a few drinks one lonely night and opened an online gambling account and started gambling. I have no ability to stop myself. I have gambled all my savings now, and there’s no way I can cover it up much longer!

He’s not a physically violent man, but the hurt and anger in his eyes would be too much for me to bear. He told me that if I ever started gambling again, he’d help me pack. My life as I knew it, is almost over. Please help.

— Money All Gone, Winnipeg

Dear All Gone: You need expert gambling cessation help, right away. The Finding Help online page provided by Manitoba Liquor and Lotteries has a list of different places to get help with your gambling problem — with phone numbers and other contact information. Check it out at mbll.ca/content/finding-help. You should also contact Gamblers Anonymous at 204-582-4823 or visit gamblersanonymous.org. You may want to put off telling your husband until a short time past Christmas, to get a start on readdressing this gambling issue, and the loneliness that lies beneath it — but then you must confess, so as not to have the Big Lie standing between you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My dad is a big drinker… or was. Somehow, by a miracle of God or whatever you believe in, he has sobered up through the second wave of this pandemic. I think the threat of it shocked him, or maybe he saw how precious life can be — or something. I have no idea, and I wouldn’t have guessed it would ever happen with him!

Now for the sticky Christmas problem. He suddenly wants us to come over and be with him and Mom for Christmas dinner — something we haven’t done in eight years, because of his drinking. We haven’t been going over at all, and I’m nervous about mixing households (we have half-grown kids now) and we’re also terrified of him saying, “One little Christmas toast won’t hurt.” I would lose it!

In some ways I want to go to show support for my dad’s new sobriety. Yet, I don’t trust it, and the pandemic is still looming over us. I haven’t given a definite yes or no to his continued emails inviting us. I should also mention, he’s recently gone all techie and Zooms with friends snowbirding in the States. What should I do?

— Torn Son of Alcoholic, Tuxedo

Dear Torn: You don’t owe your dad a face-to-face Christmas dinner as proof of newfound faith in him. And it’s still too early to be mixing new households in this important COVID lockdown phase. Older relatives, like your mom and dad, are actually in the most danger, should they get sick. Just as important, it’s too soon to know if your dad’s sobriety will hold.

Christmas Day is very close, so phone right away and set up an online Christmas breakfast or lunch (don’t gamble the main meal), where you can eat together and chat, and the kids can say hi and show their gifts. For a special Christmas treat, drop off a gift on the doorstep on Christmas Eve from your family, with a personal touch like baking and a homemade Christmas card signed by all the kids.

You will have have shown with these signs that you’re feeling warmer and closer. If that goes well, and Dad stays sober, see about getting together personally for a family dinner once the coronavirus has been tamed. People should not take any unnecessary chances now, or ever, by bowing to social pressures from family for contact. It can be a matter of life or death. You have the perfect reason for only connecting online this year. Good luck with everything!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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