Got gotch? A brief analysis of underwear

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 07/08/2018 (2922 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

There comes a time in every man’s life when he is forced to make a life-altering decision.

For me, that momentous occasion arrived last week.

It was the moment I looked in my underwear drawer and came to a shocking conclusion — it was time to replenish my stock of underpants.

I’m sorry to just blurt it out like that, but there is no point beating about the bush when it comes to replacing underwear that is long past its best-before date, if you catch my drift.

I hate to make sweeping generalizations, but allow me to point out this is one of those controversial issues that divides readers along gender lines as follows:

Typical female reader: “Buying underwear! Goodie!”

Typical male reader: “Dude?!”

So, yes, as I prepared to dress for the office last week, I discovered pretty much every pair of underpants I own now resembles my “lucky underwear,” which is a pair I have had for about 20-some odd years and slip on whenever I need things to go right — but, unfortunately, there is not much left of them other than a rubber waistband with a few shards of frayed greyish cotton dangling from it.

What I’m trying to say is I was forced to admit it was time to bid farewell to most of my deteriorating underwear stock and head to the store to buy replacement parts.

Which is where the bit about the life-altering decision comes in, because buying underwear in today’s modern social-media world is far more complicated than it was back in the day when the idea of Donald Trump becoming president of the United States would have evoked laughter, not tears.

The number of modern underwear options is literally mind-boggling, as anyone who has spent any time standing in that particular section of their local department store can tell you. (Yes, I am sure some extremely hip folks order their underpants online, but I personally don’t want to think about that.)

Despite being a veteran shopper, I was paralyzed with fear when I attempted to sort through all the various state-of-the-art undergarments on display.

We are talking underwear of every size and description, made from every natural and synthetic fabric known to man. (A quick plug here for those underpants made out of stretchy, breathable, golf-shirt-style material: Wow! Those things are crazy comfortable and they definitely keep your medically sensitive area cooler in muggy weather.)

The point is, guys in desperate need of fresh underpants must now make crucial decisions between (take a breath) briefs, boxers, boxer briefs, trunks, thongs, high-rise, low-rise, mid-rise, and whatever other style of underpants you care to name.

If a guy is lucky, he will not have to make the difficult decision, because his spouse or his mom will do that on his behalf. Which is what happened a couple of years ago when we were on a European river cruise and I discovered I had run short of underpants in Germany, so my wife and a bunch of the other women went shopping, and she returned to present me with a pair of electric-blue bikini briefs that (this is true) were fashioned from bamboo fibres.

“Ohmygawd! Those are super cute!” is what all my wife’s new friends chirped, clucking their tongues, when she pulled these avant-garde gotch out of the plastic bag during dinner.

Anyway, the reason I am telling you this today is because I want to offer some help to guys who are in need of quality underpants that will make a bold fashion statement. The important thing to remember is this: the type of underwear you choose will say a great deal about your personality. For example:

Briefs: What we are talking about here is nothing less than a classic. For decades, tightie-whities have been the go-to gotch (for the record, gonch and gitch are also acceptable) of men from every level of society. They are an example of perfect engineering and functionality. I personally hope whichever guy invented the Y-front was rewarded with several Nobel Prizes. 

The manly message they convey: I am a man’s man, a guy who does not change direction depending on which way the wind is blowing. I may be old-fashioned, but I will never (bad word) go out of style.

Boxers: You boxer-wearing guys know who you are. And so do the rest of us, because we can see all that fabric bunched up under your khakis. When I was a kid, it was a known scientific fact that only “geezers” wore boxers, because a pair of tight-fitting briefs would have cut off their blood supply and caused them to pass out in the middle of their checkers tournament.

The manly message they convey: I am an old-school man’s man who likes his undershorts to give him room to move. I am not some fly-by-night fashionista. I also believe, most likely, the world is flat and that whole thing about man landing on the moon is probably a scam.

Boxer Briefs: From what I have read, these are now far and away the most popular style of undershorts for modern men. A fusion of both boxers and briefs, they are either the best of both worlds or an unholy alliance that spells the end of civilization as we know it.

Personally, I do not think we should just take two things and fuse them together. With the possible exception of “brunch,” because having breakfast and lunch together is totally awesome.

The manly message they convey: I cannot make up my (extremely bad word) mind. Boxers? Briefs? Hey, give me both in the same package! They should be perfect for guys who like to sit on the fence.

OK, I think we have spent enough mental energy on this topic for today. Now it’s time for you, the guy reader, to make your own decision.  Whatever you do, keep it brief.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca