Boss rips writer for brutal decision

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 08/09/2009 (5924 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Ring, ring, ring…

Boss: Hello, is Randy there?

Me: This is he.

Boss: It’s your boss calling. We have to talk.

Me: (Eeep).

Boss: It’s about your CFL picks. I don’t read your column, but it’s come to my attention that you picked the Bombers to win the Labour Day Classic.

Me: You don’t read my column? So I guess you’re not a big football fan. Ha, ha.

Boss: Actually, I’m a huge football fan. Season-ticket holder for 20 years. Can’t get enough Bombers.

(Awkward pause)

Boss: Anyway, about you picking Winnipeg…

Me: Did I? I’m not sure, boss. I mean, in this crazy, mixed-up world, it’s hard to remember who picked what…

Boss: I’m looking right at your predictions in last week’s paper. You picked the Bombers to win. In Regina. They haven’t won in Regina since Saskatchewan got indoor plumbing.

Me: Ah, yes, the great Labour Day Classic of 2004. Did you know that was the first year of the Banjo Bowl, boss? Boy, that Troy Westwood was a funny dude. I remember one time he and Wade Miller hid a raw fish in some guys car…

Boss: Stop trying to change the subject. You picked the Bombers. What were you thinking, man? This is like the time you wrote a column predicting a Leafs dynasty under John Ferguson Jr.

Me: Yeah, but…

Boss: This is like the time you predicted the Cincinnati Bengals “were on the precipice of greatness.” This is like the time you predicted the Los Angeles Clippers were “one player away” from an NBA title. This is like the time you called Tom Selleck “the next Harrison Ford.” This is….

Me: OK, I get it. But how was I supposed to know that coach Kelly would use those message boards to relay play calls to his receivers instead of having them in the huddle? The Bombers sideline looked like a NASCAR crew back in the day. I half-expected them to put Bishop on a jack when he came over for a time out.

Boss: Yeah, coach Kelly adding another wrinkle that would attract attention to his coaching prowess. Who saw that coming?

Me: But if the Bombers hadn’t been stuffed on that third-down gamble at the end of the half…

Boss: But if, but if, but if… that’s the Bombers. They’re living on ‘But ifs.” Their record is lousy, but if they win next week… Their offence is still struggling in Week 10, but if they can only get that passing game going… My columnist picked the Bombers to win in Regina, but if only he had an actual functioning brain… See what I mean?

Me: Sorry, I dropped the phone there for a second. My hand got caught in the toaster again. What were you saying, boss?

Boss: It’s about your predictions. Maybe we’re going to have to change things up a little. Remember that time back in the late 1990s when your picks were so awful we had you go up against Ed Tait’s new-born son?

Me: (self-satisfied tone) Yeah, I remember. I kicked that kid’s butt.

Boss: Dude, he was 18 months old. He picked teams by drooling on their logos. I don’t know if that’s something to be proud…

Me: Mess with the bull, you get the horns, baby!! BOO-YAH!!

Boss: (Audible sigh) Look, all I’m asking is that maybe in the future you be a little more discerning when it comes to picking the Bombers. You know, until they get a quarterback who’s more consistent.

Me: But if Michael Bishop didn’t throw three interceptions…

Boss: There you go again with the “But ifs.” You gotta stop doing that or I’m going to have to let your cat start making picks from now on. I’m not kidding.

Me: Well, he did go 3-1 last week. But he picked the Lions to beat Montreal, which is a total fluke if you ask me. And he’s all like “I told you so.” And I’m like, “Why don’t you change the litter box if you’re so smart.”

Boss: You argue with your cat?

Me: What? Doesn’t everybody?

(Awkward pause, longer than the first)

Boss: So, you’ll think twice about picking the Bombers in the future?

Me: Posalutely, boss. In fact, I’m thinking about picking them twice already. I mean, they should have a good shot in the Banjo Bowl, right? The home crowd and all. Sure, they lost last week, but if their defence didn’t have to spend three quarters on the field…

Boss: Good grief. I give up. Hey, what’s that rattling noise in the background?

Me: (pause) Um. Now my other hand is stuck in the toaster. Don’t worry, boss. All I need is a wet fork and…

(Click)

Me: Boss?

randy.turner@freepress.mb.ca

Randy Turner
Reporter

Randy Turner spent much of his journalistic career on the road. A lot of roads. Dirt roads, snow-packed roads, U.S. interstates and foreign highways. In other words, he got a lot of kilometres on the odometer, if you know what we mean.

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