Media giant grills bumbling writer about Bombers

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 08/10/2009 (5843 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Ring, ring, ring…..

Me: (groggy, sleepy) Hello? Hello, Mr. Turner? This is Si.com calling? We’re doing an exposé of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers and were wondering if we could get your…

Me: What!? It’s almost midnight, man! What is it with you media jackals? I suppose you’re just looking for dirt, eh, pal? You people disgust me. You should be ashamed. I don’t know how you lie-spewing weasels can even sleep at…..Wait. Did you say Sports Illustrated?

SI.com: Yes, sir.

Me: (straightening tie, combing hair(s): Well, then. Fire away, my good man. And just for the record, it’s T,U,R,N,E…..

SI.com: We know how to spell your name, Mr. Turner. We’d just like to ask you some questions about the Bombers. Really, what’s going on there? One day they’re recruiting, as best we can tell, based on episodes of America’s Most Wanted. They were in a death spiral. The offence was a script from Lost: Confusing, unable to go anywhere, and to be continued next week.

Me: Yes, it was quite a horror show, only with comedy. Bearing witness to the Bombers a few weeks ago was kinda like watching Amy Winehouse trapped in a Liquor Mart and forced to drink her way out. It was tragic in some ways, but strangely compelling. And we’re pretty sure some puking was involved. Thank goodness for the Argos, eh?

SI.com: So what happened?

Me: Strangest thing. When Mike Kelly was first hired as head coach, he vowed to be the sole architect of the Bombers offence. It would be his schemes. No one else would touch the quarterback, who at the time was a guy Kelly brought in and anointed. It was a disaster.

It’s like the time a few years back when David Letterman said, “I will be the only one touching the interns.” That didn’t turn out very well, either. But it seems the less influence Kelly has had on the offence, the more productive it’s become. Who knew?

SI.com: That sounds like you’re blaming Mike Kelly for the past problems. When are you guys in Winnipeg going to stop blaming Kelly for every little thing?

Me: Duh. When he’s no longer the head coach. Are you sure this is Sports Illustrated?

SI.com: But didn’t Doug Brown write in his newspaper column a few weeks ago that it didn’t matter who was to blame for the Bombers 3-8 start?

Me: Are you kidding me, dude!!? That’s the most SHOCKING and DISTURBING thing I’ve ever heard in my LIFE!!

SI.com: What, that placing blame doesn’t matter?

Me: No, that Doug Brown has a newspaper column!! (rimshot) Ha! See what I did there?

SI.com: Hmm. I wonder if Mr. Brown will think that’s funny. What is he, 6-foot-8, 290? Me: (tugging at collar) Eep. Erp. Ack. Well, ha-ha, that was just a little joke, don’t ya know. I’m sure we can keep that between oursel…..

SI.com: Mr. Turner, do you really believe the Bombers, after all they’ve been through this season, can make the playoffs?

Me: Absotively. Anything’s possible. In fact, the only thing I know about this team that’s not possible is this: Barrin Simpson will never, ever play another game for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. I’ll stake my reputation on that fact. I mean, I’ve never seen a player become such a distraction. Pretty much took the team to court. Had teammates call for his dismissal. Boy, what a mess. But at least that’s all ancient history now that the Bombers are winning again and….

SI.com: Haven’t you heard? The Bombers reinstated Simpson Wednesday. He was on the practice field, in uniform and everything. He could even be starting against the Tiger-Cats.

Me: Excuse me for a moment, my good fellow, while I pick up my own eyeballs off the floor.

SI.com: Kinda strange, isn’t it?

Me: So it’s official then (reinserting eyeballs), Kelly is addicted to drama. The guy is to coaching what William Shatner is to thespianism. The media mobs must have been getting pretty thin in Bomberville lately. You sure Derick Armstrong wasn’t at practice, too?

SI.com: You sound a little bitter, Mr. Turner.

Me: On the contrary, that’s all we’ve ever asked for: An entertaining circus that’s successful, not a glorified freak show. If the Bombers keep winning, then Capt. Kelly can boldly go anywhere he wants. You know, as long as it’s not near the quarterbacks. By the way, what ever happened to that former Detroit Lions receiver that the Bombers wanted to sign?

SI.com: Charles Rogers? Oh, he was found passed out in his Mercedes a few weeks later. Charged with drunk driving.

Me: Ah, if only. Hey, about that crack about Doug Brown. Howsabout we keep that between you and me?

SI.com: Sorry, Mr. Turner. Too late.

(click)

Me: @#$# media weasels.

(click)

randy.turner@freepress.mb.ca

Randy Turner
Reporter

Randy Turner spent much of his journalistic career on the road. A lot of roads. Dirt roads, snow-packed roads, U.S. interstates and foreign highways. In other words, he got a lot of kilometres on the odometer, if you know what we mean.

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