‘Second virginity’ challenge has a big price

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This article was published 14/01/2017 (3244 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I gave this wealthy man the key to my “second virginity” when I was drunk on champagne at New Year’s and he has been using this knowledge in a campaign since. He’s trying to soften me up.

After I fled from my husband’s abuse, I swore off men and decided I wouldn’t sleep with anyone again unless he proved himself worthy first. I grew thorns around my heart. It’s been five years since I had sex with anyone. But, at New Year’s I had so much to drink, I told this gorgeous man, that making love with me would take all the old-fashioned romantic stuff — flowers, dinners, long talks, gifts and laughter.

My “virginity” immediately became his challenge and now every day something new arrives at my door — everything but him. We have gone out only twice in the weeks since — both times to fancy dinners where he showed off his wealth and his wine knowledge, and bragged about his business conquests. Yawn…

As the receipts pile higher he intimates it won’t be long — like he’s winning me over in instalments. I don’t want any more from him! I’ll bet he’s spent close to $1,000 on expensive dinners, daily flowers and all the rest. How do I get rid of him? I feel sorry about so much money.

— Not Giving Myself To Him, River Heights

Dear Not Giving: It’s a one-sided game he decided to play and he can just swallow the bills. He’s got lots of money. Tell him thanks and that you’ve learned a lot from his campaign. You now know you’re looking for a love connection with a man who is romantic in an old-fashioned way, and gives of his time and his heart.

If he’s annoyed, so be it. You’re not a $1,000 hooker; you’re not to be bought at any amount! He decided to spend the money to play his little game and he lost. Too bad.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My New Year’s resolutions are going pretty well, except for the one about talking to my sister about her shoplifting. I know she does it because she got caught once and I overheard her telling her best friend. They let her away with a fine. She hasn’t been caught again that I know of, and she’s becoming scary-bold. She boosts very expensive stuff. I know for sure she can’t afford the outfits she has these days.

She’s in her early 20s. How can I get her to stop, without losing her as a sister? Our mother is gone and my dad’s always away; my sister is my closest friend. She is very loving. I don’t know why she steals. Please help.

— Worried Sister, West End

Dear Worried: Start by saying to her, “I’m worried sick you’re going to get caught and go to jail for the shoplifting, and I will lose my sister. You’re the only close family I have!”

That way most of the complaint has to do with fear of losing her. She will probably deny the stealing, and then you say, “I guessed what you are doing because you’re wearing clothes you can’t afford. Please, I’m begging you to stop!”

Even if she won’t admit it to you, kicking up that fuss may be enough. It won’t be a secret anymore. She may want your love and approval. Hopefully, it will shock her enough that you know. She would not have thought of jail, or of losing you. Other than that, talk to your guidance counsellor, your dad or maybe an auntie.

So why does she steal? Perhaps because she’s trying to get your dad’s attention, or she’s lonely or bored. She may be addicted to the thrill of the crime and the chances she’s taking. She may also be selling the clothes she boosts for money for other kicks, such as drugs.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I sent this girl I like a secret Christmas present of a bracelet. She approached me back at our school and said, “I can’t take this,” and handed me back the box. She knew it was me! I have never felt so humiliated. I’d like to explain myself or make up some excuses or something, but I said nothing and just took back the box and fired it in the garbage. Should I write her a note to explain or would that be twice as creepy?

— Messed Up, Winnipeg

Dear Messed Up: Just about everybody of dating age does something dumb and awkward for a crush. I once handed a guy a purple eggplant and a half-joking note saying it was “a symbol of my undying love” and he told me he wasn’t interested and that he was still in love with my close friend. It was embarrassing and I remember it from time to time, but now I can laugh at myself.

Just about everybody has a one-sided romance in school somewhere between Grade 1 and Grade 12 — for all you know, somebody may have one with you. You’re best just to let it go and find a way to laugh about it. Try to think of yourself fondly, like you would a younger sibling, and be just as forgiving. But don’t send a note to a crush. For some reason, notes make it creepy when there is no back-and-forth romance going on. Trust me! I know about this.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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