Always being class clown getting him down

Opinion

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This article was published 13/03/2018 (2770 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m considered a funny person and I like that image. The trouble is, if I have any problems, nobody wants me to step out of that role in my group at the college I go to. I can’t be a clown all the time! Two weeks ago, my girlfriend broke up with me and I was feeling really down. I called two of my best friends and neither one of them wanted to take the time to talk with me about my unfunny feelings.

Finally, I found a friend in the nerdiest guy in one of my classes, who has been through a lot, and he talked to me one day after class for a long time and it really helped. So now I’m in the position of rethinking how much I want to be everybody’s clown who has to laugh all the time and make everybody else laugh, too. What should I do about this, now that I’m recovering from the breakup?

— Disappointed in My Friends, Winnipeg

Dear Disappointed in My Friends: Choose to be funny when you feel like it — not all the time in an expected role — and dare to find out who your real friends are. Allow yourself to express serious opinions about things and don’t always lighten them up with jokes. A great combination is a person who is capable of being serious or funny, when it’s appropriate.

Since you’re naturally funny, channel some of your humour into standup open-mic comedy nights. Two good places to start are Wee Johnny’s, 177 McDermot Ave., on Wednesdays, and the Handsome Daughter, 61 Sherbrook St., on Thursdays. These are encouraging audiences for the most part with lots of other local comedians there. A joke can fall flat, but you don’t hear boos. They generally start about 8:30 or 9 p.m. Check out their details on Facebook.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, and it’s still an uphill battle with my in-laws. Our relationship started off OK, but when my husband told them he was going to buy a home in the city with me, it started to go downhill.

The relationship with my husband, his dad and stepmom was never good, but when my husband sees the relationship we have with my parents — going on vacations and getting together for game nights and dinners — and how my parents actually want to spend time with us, he wants that with his family.

He recently found out he has some medical problems and one of the factors is stress, partly because of his family, whom we drive out to see a couple times a year. They often cancel on us, or come to the city without telling us or visiting us. I told my husband relationships are a two-way street, that we’re going our distance and they are not meeting us in the middle. I just want to not see them anymore, but it would be my husband who would get hurt.

I called them last night to talk about my husband’s health and how they could help with the stress, and his dad just kept bringing up petty crap — nothing to do with his son’s health. I just hate seeing my husband in pain caused by his family. I suggested a therapist to help mediate the situation. What do you think?

— Worried Wife, Winnipeg

Dear Worried Wife: There really isn’t much hope your husband’s dad or stepmother will want to go to counselling with you there. At this point, you have called them up and made them feel guilty. It’s your husband’s role, as an adult, to contact them about this himself if he wants to. So step back now and take care of your own feelings. Set up an appointment to see a counsellor on your own first to get your frustrated feelings out in the open.

Allow the person to teach you a new role to play in this family drama. For instance, the family out of the city might prefer to see your husband without having to see you, and wouldn’t that be nice for you, too? There is a kind of freedom in that. After you make a few changes in your attitudes and behaviours, your husband will probably be curious enough to see this counsellor himself.

Your husband’s goal is to be close to his family, particularly his dad. Maybe he doesn’t need you to be as close and be there every time he sees them. He could start visiting on his own, and you could just show up once in a while for big family gatherings, and have fun talking with the other people.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.