Non-monogamous girlfriend doesn’t share values

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/04/2018 (3043 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend is extremely sweet and giving, but her affection also extends to sex with other people. She puts no value on monogamy and will have sex with a number of friends of both sexes who need company, warmth or who just want to have a little fun. She told me this right off the top and said I could have sex with anyone I was close to, but not strangers because that’s dangerous, and she would do the same. We live together.

She doesn’t discuss her trysts, nor does she get any kicks out of chalking up numbers. She’s just non-monogamous. She loves sleepovers. She’ll call and tell me she’s at her friend so-and-so’s place and she will be home in the morning. 

I hate that now! I thought this non-monogamy thing was a great freedom before I fell deeply in love with her, and I took advantage of it, but now I love her so much I don’t want her sleeping with other people. She isn’t a jealous person and expects the same generosity (her word) of me.

Last night she told me that she loves me best, but she loves her friends too, and they sometimes need loving so she was going to move out. I cried all night in the other room. Now I don’t know what to do, and she’s packing to go stay with a friend.

— Heartbroken, Downtown

Dear Heartbroken: This woman doesn’t share the same morality as you do, so doesn’t have the same judgment on what is right or wrong. Sex is like a warm hug to her. She simply doesn’t feel that it’s wrong when she shares her sexual self with people other than you and doesn’t feel one bit guilty, before or after. She may wonder why you’re being so uptight about your affections. There’s no way to change her, but do recognize now that your makeup is different. When you feel deep emotions for a woman, you no longer want to share.

Lucky for you, most women feel that way too. She’s in the minority. The next time you meet a woman — and before you fall for her deeply —don’t agree to an open relationship where you both keep seeing other people sexually. It won’t be as much fun in the early part of a relationship, but it will be better for you in the end, given how you feel.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love dogs, and recently agreed to look after a co-worker’s while he went on a family vacation. My dog died last year. Since I was off that week, too, I thought it would be nice to share it with a canine companion (and it was). Money was never discussed, but I made the mistake of thinking it was understood.

Ensuring that the dog had a loving, caring, relaxing, stress-free, active, safe and interactive environment while away from her home and human companions was paramount to me and it was work. It also meant constantly cleaning up, and a lot of time and effort to return my home to the hair-free environment it was prior to taking in the dog. Looking after an animal is not just a responsibility, it is a job, no matter how loving and fun the experience.

Leaving a dog at a loud and stressful kennel will cost you on average about $35 a day. A one-week stay with extras, such as a daily walk, can total $300. I know this because I used to pay it.

When he came to pick up his happy hound, I was compensated with a (duty-free) bottle of alcohol. I have since shared this story and surprisingly this is a common and awkward occurrence amongst all-too-kind animal lovers turned underappreciated pet-sitter. Do you think this is right?

— Shocked and Disappointed, Manitoba

Dear Shocked and Disappointed: A bottle of liquor, and a card is what you might give a neighbour who watered your plants once or twice that week. This co-worker of yours could afford a family vacation, so at least $25 a day is more like fair compensation for you, a person who took the pooch into your home and gave her food, water, walks and loves. Readers, what do you think? Is that even enough?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My freeloading cheapskate (no-longer) boyfriend won’t leave my house, even though I’ve asked him to. He was a truck driver but has not been working for over a year. Yet he still continues to take holidays and just got back from one without me. He is so broke, he has to borrow money from me. I just wish he’d be gone. He says he’ll be out at the end of every month, yet he is still here and weighing me down.

— Need Him Gone! Winnipeg

Dear Need Him Gone: Why can’t you throw his stuff out when he’s gone? Are you frightened of what he would do? It’s time to see a lawyer and find out what’s what with regards to removing him and his stuff forcibly. You can have him removed by police, if necessary. Call their non-emergency line and talk to an officer about how to go about it, how to keep him away from you long-term and to keep yourself safe.

You will need to have his stuff packed and ready to go and a locksmith on standby to change your locks. You may also need a court order to keep him away.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography