Some wounds can hurt for a lifetime

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This article was published 02/09/2018 (2947 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was at a music festival where people were doing a lot of drinking. All of a sudden, I see this drunk woman weaving her way through the crowd coming towards me. When she got to me, she didn’t even speak. It was an old girlfriend and she was furious. She reached up and slapped my face hard. She said, “That’s for what you did to me!” I was in shock. I couldn’t remember what I did to her.

I yelled after her, “What did I do to you?” She came back and hissed at me, “You had sex with my sister, you creep!” Then I remembered, and it was at a music festival in a tent. Her younger sister wanted me, and I gave her a tumble. The older sister was off flirting with half the guys at the festival. Why the big fuss almost 10 years later?

— Don’t Get It, Fort Richmond

Dear Don’t Get It: You were so angry with your girlfriend for leaving you to go off flirting, that you hit the tent floor with her younger sister. That’s an overreaction!

You can bet the younger sister was jealous of her older sister and enjoyed hurting her — even more than she enjoyed having you. Family betrayal leaves a deeper wound than any other kind, because a sacred trust is broken. It’s not something people forget when a sibling beds their boyfriend, girlfriend or marriage partner. That kind of hurt and anger can last a lifetime.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Last night, my lover told me on the phone he is worried about his reduced love-making abilities now that he’s older. I emailed him back with a list of all the things that turn me on about him and other ways we could make love. He wrote back and told me thanks, “I haven’t had a cheerleader for a long time.” Cheerleader! While he is a well-known man, I felt embarrassed and diminished.

I wrote back to point out that remark hurt me, and that I’m not his cheerleader but his lover. He wrote back that it was a bad choice of words and signed the message “loved to lover.” I don’t know if that was a typo but “lover to lover” would have looked better to me. I don’t know if I’m making a big fuss over nothing, but what I really want is a return letter of loving compliments.

— Not His Cheerleader, Winnipeg

Dear Not His Cheerleader: Tell it like it is — but not too often. You don’t want him to feel like he’s getting beaten up after receiving a letter full of compliments. Just let this one ride for a while; you’ve said enough for now. In a few weeks, you might slip into the conversation that writing compliments to your lover about aspects of his or her attractiveness is part of being in love. If you ask for a letter in return about all the things that turn him on about you, it becomes an assignment. Let him enjoy the gift of your letter and hope that it inspires verbal praise from him as part of your relationship.

I gather you two are from an older generation whose parents worried about children getting “too big for their britches,” and didn’t praise them the way parents do now. Some people never learn how to express verbal appreciation, while others learn it from TV and other. Some actually err on the side of lavishing praise over nothing.

It’s good you told your lover, who has been feeling insecure, about what turns you on about him. That makes sense. Take note of the way he shows his love, such as an affectionate touch, words of endearment, taking your hand when he talks to you or giving you little gifts. People speak different languages of love, so don’t be too hard on this guy.

You might ask him in a few weeks, in a sweet moment when this spat is forgotten, what he likes most about your looks and sexuality. Then be quiet, smile and listen and be really appreciative.

If you have a problem of a personal nature, please send your letters to Miss Lonelyhearts at lovecoach@hotmail.com.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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