Time to cut constantly boozing hubby loose

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This article was published 08/09/2018 (2940 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband is a sorry excuse for the man he used to be. I married a brilliant man with a great job. He is still hanging onto the job, but he is a nighttime drunk.

He fulfils his obligations at work, braced by a thermos of coffee, and goes straight out to drink with his buddies at 5 p.m. By the time he comes home, he’s half-stewed and looking for dinner.

Then he goes to his “man cave”, gets on the computer and drinks until he passes out around 2 a.m.. He thinks because he drinks expensive liquor that he’s not a common boozer.

I can tell you right now that we have no sex life because he can’t maintain an erection. The last time that we successfully had sex was four years ago on New Year’s Eve. He had the flu so we couldn’t go out and party and that left him with enough gumption to “make love” with me.

I have discovered that I am bisexual. A woman who was a good friend confessed to me that she felt a lot more than that, and we became lovers. My husband has no idea because he is so straight he can’t imagine I would cheat with a woman.

We spent the summer at her cabin on weekends, supposedly renovating. Now we’re back in the city and I will be spending a lot of time at her apartment, supposedly writing a book together. Ha!

Why don’t I leave him? Because I love the man he was, and could be again, if he stopped drinking. I love him as the father of my children and my first real boyfriend. He was wonderful then.

Now, my girlfriend is starting to put pressure on me to make the break and move in with her. My two liberal children know about her. They tell me to leave their father because he is never going to change. Do you agree? — New-Bi, Fort Richmond

Dear New-Bi: It is time to call the game for lack of affection. You are in love with the man he once was, not the addicted man who is in love with the bottle. He is showing no interest in reforming, so you have to take a look at how you want to spend the rest of your life.

You have the support of your kids, so you could make this change without losing them.

If you love this woman, you might want to get your own place or move in with her. If you don’t love this woman, don’t continue to play with her heart. She is asking for a commitment now and deserves one.

You really need some personal counselling to help you move on. You may have group insurance, or you may have to pay (even if it means borrowing the money).

You need to stop wasting your time waiting for this alcoholic to stop doing what he loves most. I hate to say this, but sometimes the only thing that will snap a person out of their drunken stupor is having their partner leave them.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am the luckiest man in the world. I have a girlfriend who shares the same core values as me and we have had a wonderful relationship.

For the past four years, we have done an incredible job respecting the boundaries we set out at the beginning of the relationship, one of which involved drugs.

With the impending legalization of marijuana, however, my girlfriend has expressed interest in trying it. This is the crux of my problem.

I thought we were being really progressive when we discussed the boundaries of our relationship, but we never discussed why those boundaries were in place. Maybe it’s my Mennonite upbringing speaking or maybe it’s my own personal insecurities, but the thought of my girlfriend getting high makes me deeply uncomfortable, even if it is legal.

For her, there is no issue because once it is legal it’s acceptable as far as she’s concerned. For me, I still feel like it’s immoral even if it will no longer have legal ramifications.

She keeps assuring me there’s no problem, and even wants to do it for the first time together. All I feel is anxiety throughout my whole body whenever we discuss it.

To make matters worse, this anxiety causes me to shut down so the conversation never goes anywhere and she thinks I’ve conceded the point. Help! — Joint-Decision, Steinbach

Dear Joint-Decision: Shutting down is not an option now. You’re going to have to open up and tell her the truth — that you feel it’s immoral to even try marijuana, and it makes your stomach twist.

Confess that your silence did not mean that you agree with her, but you’re afraid disagreeing with her might split you apart.

In any long-term relationship, there are going to be issues about which a couple fundamentally disagree. Given your conservative upbringing, you have to realize she may not share your position on many moral issues.

But you have every right to say “I can’t stand the idea of you doing drugs!” Then, it’s out in the open and you can see what, if any, compromise you can reach. She’s likely to say to you, “What’s the harm in doing it once?” and you really have to think about that.

The point is you care so much about her that you have to tackle these and other issues right now, and determine if you want to continue as a couple. 

Got a problem in your personal life? Email Miss Lonelyhearts at lovecoach@hotmail.com

Miss Lonelyhearts
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