Spend money on therapy, not diamonds for ex

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This article was published 21/12/2018 (2831 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My long-term plan is to get my girlfriend back in the new year. She didn’t say she’d ever take me back, but she doesn’t realize how much I love her. I will never cheat on her again, but that might take a while to sink in.

I was thinking I’d invite her over for the annual Christmas Eve party at my folks’ house, because I know she’d love to see my mom and dad. The problem is she has a new boyfriend whom I’ll have to get rid of later.

It would be potentially awkward to invite them both, but the new guy has an ego as big as all Ontario and wouldn’t mind at all. He’d get to assert his power as her main man. Then, when he’s in the living room, I’ll slip a little present in her pocket — a diamond bracelet and a card declaring my undying love. What do you think?

— Winning Her Back, Transcona

Dear Winning: I think you’d best save some Christmas money to see a therapist about your grandiose ideas. A diamond bracelet could cost you a grand or two, and this lady already has a new man. She’d only come to see your mom and dad for a short visit, swan around with the new man on her arm, have a snack and a drink and then swish out the door. You did cheat on her, remember? She’s an ex — not “your” ex, as in still belonging to you. Let us know how it goes. I’m sure my readers are as curious as I am.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband and I have no children. But last Christmas Eve, Santa arrived at our house, laden with liquor and food and treats and a fancy takeout dinner. He wore a Santa suit but didn’t bother to disguise his beautiful body.

This year, I hinted that I hope Santa comes back, and he said, “Only if I find Mrs. Santa waiting for me this year.” What all does he mean? I guess I’m willing to dress up a little.

— Mrs. Santa Wannabe, Fort Garry

Dear Wannabe: Echo him. That’s what he’s hoping for — not just for you to throw on a Santa hat. Make it a double role-playing experience for him and use some imagination. Let me help: hit a sex shop for a Mrs. Santa outfit and stockings, or a thrift shop where you can buy the pieces and put it all together with a red miniskirt and high-heeled shoes.

You’ll also need to hit the liquor store, the deli for snacks, and a restaurant he likes for a full dinner that can be heated up later, unless Santa agrees to bring the dinner. Light some candles, put on the Christmas music and have a blast.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My heart is broken this Christmas because my young mother, only 39 — who promised she would never come back — has returned to the city. Some drunk friend of hers gave her a ride so they could go to the casinos.

God help us, my mother is as big a drunk as she ever was. Worse, she’s planning to stay at my house for a month. My husband and I want her out. How do you kick your own mother out of the house? I can’t buy a plane ticket for her and buy my kids Christmas gifts as well! We had a big upset a year ago. A lawyer was involved and she was never to come here again, or risk getting picked up by the cops. My husband is beyond upset and says either she goes or he does. Please help.

— Christmas Mess, Winnipeg

Dear Mess: Tell the lawyer your mom is back and ask what would happen if you were to call the police. If her casino friend is still around, ask if she will take your mom back and offer to pay for her gas. This is not worth losing your husband.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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