Holiday flings are a game-changer

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 08/01/2020 (2423 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife was away this Christmas on an overseas jaunt to see her friends and family and, as usual, she didn’t want me to go along.  

I have long suspected there’s an old boyfriend stashed over there and her country has different beliefs about that kind of thing. Unlike North Americans they don’t talk about it. If you don’t talk about it, it doesn’t exist. 

This year my wife was in a hurry to get to the plane and stupidly left her computer open. There I saw a recent conversation with an old paramour referring to (I will translate) “romantic times again this Christmas.”

I was furious and went into a slow burn. Two can play that game. I’m a good-looking man with some women in my past, and one of them I’d heard had just become single again. I called her up for a harmless little drink, and she said, “Why not come over? I’m lonely. I have lots of wine and a beautiful Christmas tree.”

My wife was thousands of miles away playing Christmas romance games, so I met my old sweetheart, kept my cell with me in case my wife phoned (which she didn’t) and stayed all night. It was great, refreshing — someone different. She looked, smelled and acted differently. She picked up my flagging self-esteem. It feels lousy to suspect you are being played, especially at Christmas, so I just kept pushing my luck. 

I got confident and pushed it hard — until my wife’s plane was coming home the next day. I had no desire to pick her up and told her to take a cab. I fielded some cellphone calls 48 hours before, and thought things were fine. But my wife got an early flight and and came home 24 hours early. 

I show up at our house after a final night with my paramour, and my wife was already unpacking and on the rampage. I pulled out of my desk a copy of her note with her guy in Europe and thrust it in her face. Her mouth fell open. 

“You’re caught!” I said. “This was my first year to play around. How many years has this been going on for you?” She went paper white and had nothing to say. We are currently sleeping in separate bedrooms and barely talking — just the essentials. What happens now?

— Both Caught in Holiday Cheating, South Winnipeg

Dear Both Caught: There are several ways to go at this. Some people of certain cultures might suggest you call it even, and declare a truce. No deal? Then you might want the new plan to be that you can go travel “home” with her each year she goes. The trust is not there to continue these Christmas separations unless you’re willing to have an open marriage where you both have the privilege of seeing others on vacations and stay married.

Counselling is chancy as you may not want to dig up all her past Christmas vacation romances when you have nothing to match them. You have your pride to consider, after all.

You don’t mention any children — do you have any, or they are up and gone? Are you perhaps an older couple who married later? If you have no children to raise at this point, then things could be more open if you can agree on it. Bottom line: Can you forgive each other, or is this a time to reassess the marriage and possibly try going your separate ways? 

Whatever you do, don’t grovel. No need to be overly apologetic, considering your wife is so far ahead on that score. Remind her you’re now aware of her shenanigans, and this was your first Christmas season to play the same game. If you want to keep it together, you’re going to have to start booking two tickets to Europe every few years, so you can keep a closer eye on each other.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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