Quit quickie marriage while it’s simpler

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This article was published 05/02/2020 (2396 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Just like the Johnny Cash song called Jackson, my husband and I got “married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout.” The fire went out in less than a year, and here we sit — amidst our embarrassing heap of wedding presents, some of them not even out of the boxes.

Why did we marry? We had nothing in common except a red-hot attraction to each other, and also because both of us came from relationships that were more like platonic friendships. We thought we’d finally discovered “the real thing.“

When I say we have nothing in common, I mean we don’t like anything the same — from sports to arts, to taste in home furnishings. As for travel, he just wants to stay home. On top of that, he’s a night owl and I’m a lark. And now, we’re even disagreeing about sex. I’m experimental and he’s missionary style — hot, nightly delivery, but missionary every time.

We’re still crazy about each other’s looks, and the sexual attraction is “there.” But sex has not managed to disguise the fact we are completely incompatible, and were much better off as lovers sneaking off from our cold and boring mates, with not much time.

It’d be embarrassing to break up this quickly, and please don’t suggest counselling. We tried that and left the counsellor sitting there, shaking her head. Help needed, please. I don’t want to be married to this guy forever.

— Fell Out of Love Year 1, North End

Dear Fell Out: You don’t have any children to hurt yet and people don’t care about wedding presents — usually they don’t want them back — so why not split right away? This should have been a year of dating and experimenting, but became a quickie marriage instead.

Now you know hot sex doesn’t equal love and marriage, and it can even grow cold when finally tested by living together. You made a mistake, so admit it to each other and to close people around you, and break up. Next time you have the major hots for someone, test it out for a year or so as a dating couple to see where it goes. Jumping quickly from infatuation to marriage is generally a very bad idea.

Infatuation can be very confusing. You love two or three things about a new partner, and imagine all the things you don’t know about them will be positive and magical too.

As you found out, lifestyle and some mutual interests are really important. If you have nothing else in common but sexual attraction, you’re better off to keep living in your own places and dating, until the fire burns out.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My feet are hurting from leaving the house to go walking for miles — not for the exercise, but to get away from my wife. She’s not physically ill, but sick and tired of me. She’s says she’s depressed and yesterday she actually said, “It seemed to happen when you retired.“

She complains that I’m home all the time and that she gets no privacy to be herself. What that means is she’s a bona fide TV addict. I purposely interfere with this addiction because I think it’s life-wasting. I want her to go out with me and do things, now I’m free. But it’s never going to happen.

OK, the place is spotless and she makes dinner. But that’s it. As for our sex life? Pah! Remind me what sex is, please. She says she has no drive since her early menopause.

Should I get a part-time job, maybe even full time? I’m only 60. I feel like leaving her, but don’t how that would go, with her not having a job. She is in her late 40s — quite a bit younger than I am. She used to be a nurse, for God’s sake! Do I owe it to a lazy professional to support her all her life?

— Miserable With TV Addict, River Heights

Dear Miserable: Stop walking endlessly outside in the cold to get out of your wife’s way so she can binge-watch TV. She isn’t the queen of the palace. But after all these years, she may think of you as a kind of permanent financial support, providing her a living in return for housework and a hot dinner. She’s used to getting to watch 18 hours of TV a day, just taking time off to hustle your dinner into the oven.

To get yourself personal help and support, go to a relationship counsellor on your own. Only let your wife know after you’ve been a few times and have done a lot of talking with the counsellor — thinking about your life and what you want out of it next.

Then warn the TV queen you’re not living out the rest of your life this way, and let her start re-thinking her situation. Invite her to counselling.

Because you’re lost without work, maybe look for one or two fun part-time jobs (even a volunteer position) and see what life can be after early retirement. There’s less money coming in and it’s really time for your wife to help with that. Tell her she needs to become a real, participating partner in the marriage, or get out on her own.

Your wife used to be a nurse, so she knows what it’s like to have a career and deal with a real job. With an aging population, she could update her training and qualify for a number of nursing situations, even part-time. Put her on notice that things have to change dramatically, or you may move on, as you’ve definitely had enough.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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