Cancel memory-lane trips for ex

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This article was published 24/02/2020 (2393 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I got the shock of my life! My ex-husband came to my door and asked me for his college photo albums. Luckily, I knew where they were, so I shut the door quietly in his face, saying I’d be back in a minute. I had heard he quit drinking, which is what inspired his violence, but it still scared me.

I got the albums that definitely belonged to just him — and shoved them out the door and then locked it. He didn’t look hammered — looked quite sober, in fact. But I was shocked he came to my door. 

I told my new husband, and he wants to pay my ex an “unfriendly visit” or call the police. I said a phone call from him would do just as well, but he still thinks it warrants a big male person in his face. What do you think? 

— Don’t Want More Trouble, West Kildonan

Dear Don’t: Your ex-husband’s surprise visit didn’t elicit an all-is-forgiven invitation to come in from you. Photos can be sentimental, as everyone knows, but you certainly weren’t taking the bait. He may have been hoping for coffee and a walk down memory lane to a time when things were still good with you. He definitely didn’t get that. 

It’s doubtful he’ll be back. Still, a phone call from your husband is warranted, so he doesn’t think you kept his surprise visit a secret to protect him. You might also want to get peepholes installed in front and back doors, and not open the doors should he try to visit again. 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: When I was just married, I bought a lottery ticket with scraped-together coins, as the prize was a big one — $2 million — and we were struggling students. I proceeded to get excited at a possible windfall and blurted out all the money I would give away if we won. 

It was a revelation, as my husband was furious with my choices — plus I’d promised away more than the two million on to other people. 

We had one of our first arguments over money — money we hadn’t even won. Why? The winner plays God. You like this person but not their spouse; you like that relative but not their life choices — it goes on and on. 

Try a fun exercise with yourself and partner and write out exactly what you’d do with a windfall, how much you’d actually give away and keep. Then compare lists. You might be as surprised as I was. Oh, and after 40 years of marriage, I do buy the odd lottery ticket these days, but seldomly.

— Lesson Learned, Winnipeg

Dear Lesson Learned: What lessons did you learn? You just passed on a major fight instigator for other people and you’re still buying occasional lottery tickets! The lesson here should be for no one to be making lists of their gracious money gifting — or buying lottery tickets for humongous prizes.  

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I get quite ill around someone wearing scent, whether it’s cologne, aftershave, or lotion. It’s not the smell (though that can be unpleasant); it’s one of the fixatives that makes me feel like I’ve been slammed in the back of the head with a baseball bat. 

This happens within the first five minutes of exposure. Though I try to move or change seats, it’s not always possible, and sometimes the chemical permeates the whole room. It often takes a few days for me to completely recover.

I attend a lot of live theatre because it’s part of my professional development. Theatre companies and concert venues are starting to ask patrons to please refrain from wearing scents, but many people still don’t get it.

I recently was told I was rude for explaining to a woman wearing perfume why I had to stay away from her. Yes, I was direct, but I was careful to simply convey the information. How else will people know?  

Please tell your readers that people like me are not trying to be difficult, and it’s not just a question of taste, nor is it personal. This is a health hazard similar to second-hand smoke for many folks struggling with this issue.

— Poisoned by Perfume

Dear Perfume: People do need the information, but the problem can be the high-handed way it’s often delivered to all the other people who have no desire to stand close to this person.

I was recently at the first of a weekly gathering where such a person stood up to announce people wearing a scent should stop, and that included not shampooing hair the day of the meetings or wearing underarm deodorant. One man grumbled, “Just stay home, lady, and everything will be fine” and no one shushed him.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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