Work together to spark love life

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 25/02/2020 (2351 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband and I haven’t made love since Valentine’s Day. Last night, we made the mistake of evaluating our relationship. Why did we go there? Because we were drunk! We had champagne in the bedroom and thought we owned the world. 

At first, we gave the relationship a B-plus because we love each other, but have just been too busy. We decided on how we could make a few adjustments to our schedules and fix that, and had a big hug and kiss after that victory! So we had a celebratory drink and I decided we could afford to take a critical look at the state of our sex life together. 

He started harping on the lack of frequency again, and I slammed back with “total lack of imagination on your part, pal.” The idea of “same old, same old” just doesn’t inspire me, if I’m already tired from the day’s work.

He said it was also my job to “provide some inspiration” and my ratty blue bathrobe does nothing for him. I suggested the roll of fat around his stomach does nothing to inspire me, so totally turning off the lights would be a great help. He asked if I’d looked in a mirror backward recently!

And then I said, “Try having three of your fat babies and see how you look from the back!” The fight was getting so ugly, I stomped out of the bedroom to sleep in the basement room. My hubby and I are both stubborn. How do we get back from the edge of this cliff?

— Two Uninspired Fatsos, River Heights  

Dear Uninspired: For tonight, move back upstairs without a word, be in the bed tonight, and just say, “Sorry, honey. I love you. I’m sorry about the fight.” 

Then it’s time to get out of the personal into the technical. You two need to start by joining an inexpensive small gym together — and make a pact to start walking 30 minutes a day outside. The blood coursing through your veins will make you more energetic, and probably more aroused. Also, the work at the gym will tighten you up — front, back, up and down. 

Then you can visit some sex shops and look at games and toys for new inspiration. Stop blaming, and start working the plan!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new girlfriend and I are very much in love, or so I thought until now. She fancies herself a sexy romance writer. She writes me two-page “scripts” and puts them in my briefcase.

I read them at work and we often try to enact the scenes she clearly wants, as she’s always the lady/heroine of the piece. Unfortunately, the last story/script included some rough stuff from the man that I would never want to get into. 

You can’t make Snidely Whiplash out of a computer programmer. She muttered something about her “safe word” and handed it to me on a piece of paper. I said, “What’s this?” Then she blushed deeply and said, “Never mind!” and went to watch TV. 

Later she came to bed (we were at her house). I was lying wide awake and I said, “So you like that stuff?” and she said, “Not with you!” turned off the light, turned her back, and pretended to go to sleep. 

I thought I loved her, but I am a sweet, loving guy and she wants somebody kinky-weird. Now what?

— Couldn’t Hurt a Flea, Downtown

Dear Couldn’t Hurt: It’d be so much better if people could talk about sexual likes and dislikes upfront, way before they’ve gotten deeply emotionally involved. Gay couples are pretty good about that. But, heterosexual couples often leave that discussion until there’s a deep emotional bond. 

People who are into playing dominance games — especially using gear — should hint right at the beginning of a big attraction, so they can see if they’re in the right ballpark, or they should be heading for the gate. 

Now you two are emotionally involved and in trouble — with a sexual roadblock. In your case, you need to try to find out exactly what she likes and then say (if necessary): “You know I care very much for you, but, sadly for us, I’m not the right guy for this kind of sexuality.” Whatever you do, don’t say words that shame her. It’s just a different style. Then say a sweet goodbye.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography