Nip family cabin feud in the bud

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This article was published 28/02/2020 (2386 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My uncle recently passed away and his cabin was left to me and my siblings in his will. He never had kids, but he always was extremely kind. Now we are all in our 30s and 40s and we all have families and want to use the cabin this summer.

Even though it’s early, there is some family infighting starting with regard to things like how the cabin should be decorated and who should be able to go when, and whether it should be with or without other families there.

How can we overcome this when summer rolls around and people start doing things to really make each other mad? Some of my other siblings are impulsive and can say some really mean things when they’re crossed.

— Sibs Headed for Trouble, All Over Winnipeg

Dear Sibs: Figure out how much time is fair for each family and pick your couple of weeks quickly — not the best ones— and keep out of the rest of the dealings! Does it really matter how that cabin is decorated? No! Let other people hassle over that instead of you and your spouse. But here’s the trick — make sure to throw in money for some inexpensive new beds or even just new mattresses that feel comfortable and smell new, not musty.

And here’s your plan B. If the whole gang is wanting to come down on weekends, rent a cabin nearby for peace and privacy and more fun for you and your family. This is especially important if one or two of your siblings want to be the boss of things. There are reasons psychologists say they are very busy with cottage people in the summers — intergenerational fighting, power struggles and tight quarters.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was riding the bus last week when a man started making racist comments towards me (I’m an Indigenous woman). He looked drunk and I felt unsafe. The rest of the people on the bus just sat there and stared at their phones while this guy was saying these terrible things.

The male bus driver couldn’t hear them. I’m not the sort of person who makes a scene, but I wanted to so badly. I guess my anxiety got the best of me. What should I do next time I’m in that situation?

— Sorry I Did Nothing, Downtown

Dear Did Nothing: Should this happen again, walk to the front of the bus and tell the driver you’re being insulted and harassed by a certain guy on the bus, point him out and tell the driver you’re frightened. Ask if you can stand beside him. He may be able to settle you in a different seat close to him, and make sure you can get off at a safer spot where that guy can’t follow you.

Or, he may ask the offending guy to exit the back of the bus. One time years ago, in a similar situation for me, the nasty guy wouldn’t get off the bus first, so the driver took me around his whole route with him after the drunk guy gave up a few blocks after my stop.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My parents fight constantly and I’m tired of having to listen to it when I bring my girlfriend over for dinner once a month (which is about all I can stand). Every single time, it turns into a battle.

Somehow my dad has become a hard right-winger in his older years, and my mom is the opposite. He loves to say things with a smirk, as he knows they’re going to make her mad. I don’t want them to get divorced, but maybe that’s the best thing? The U.S. election is only making things more stressful for them, according to my mom. I don’t want 2020 to be a rough year. Can I do any thing to prevent this getting worse?

— Fighting Parents, Elmwood

Dear Fighting: You can’t fix your parents’ relationship. But here are some ways to cope: If your parents don’t fight in public, invite them out for pizzas on you, and they’ll both have to be on their best behaviour for an hour. Tell them the only thing you’re not going to talk about when you go out for dinner is politics. Say something like, “Let’s go out and have as good a time as possible! “

If you simply can’t stand those family dinners with both parents, start taking your mom out for lunches without your dad, and invite pop to sports games. Just stop seeing them together. When they notice, say “I love you both, but can’t take your fighting anymore.”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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