Marriage needs injection of honesty, counselling

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This article was published 20/08/2020 (2209 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a man in my late 30s, but I cried today for the first time since my mother died. Things have not been going well between my wife and me for a long time. We were on the brink of breaking up when I fell ill with a disease (not COVID-19).

Suddenly she became unbelievably kind and loving to me and her sense of humour came back. I was thinking maybe my illness was saving our relationship! But then I disappointed her by getting well again!

Now my head is clear, my energy is back and my body is pretty much recovered. I set up the office to start working from home again. I quickly landed a big project — and she wasn’t at all happy for me.

Now she’s back to being jealous of my work, which I love. She’s is too lazy to get her own work. She cooks and cleans, runs daily and reads — quite introverted and kind of submissive, or so I thought.

I can see now she was finally happy in the driver’s seat when I was sick and she liked making all the decisions! She had a job, too — as a nurse for me. She’d make a great nurse, and I told her last night I’d be happy to subsidize some kind of nursing courses for her when the pandemic is over. She just snorted — her typical non-reaction.

I asked her to explain the snort and she gave me the eye-roll and her “forget it” look. That made me really mad. I’ll tell you what I want to forget now — her! She’s back to being lazy and boring, with no sense of humour.

She never wanted kids, although I would. She’s lazy, and that’s no lie. What should I do? She depends on me to support her. I know this is a bad time to put someone out in the street who’s never had to work before.

—Disappointed and Angry, Selkirk

Dear Disappointed: As an introvert, she carries a lot of personal information around, rarely sharing it. You need to know what she doesn’t like about you when you’re healthy. You need to know what’s going on in her head, like any old dreams about what she wanted to do with her life.

Tell her, if you think you can hang on, you’d give this one last try and see if counselling could work. Suggest that she decide what kind of work she’d like to train for. Let her know that no matter whether you stay together or not, she’ll have to start working.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend and I are in a tight COVID-19 protection “bubble” along with all our parents and siblings. I am 17 and she’s 16. We have cabins at the same lake and have known each other all our lives.

The problem? My physical feelings are strong and passionate, and my girlfriend’s are sweet and cuddly. I have definitely passed her in sexual maturity. She knows I want to make love, but she isn’t ready, and I’d never push a girl.

I have thought long and hard about this, and am sick of cuddling, necking and “petting” — or whatever you call it — and feeling so frustrated. I’m ready to move on and break up and take my chances, but our two families have grown close. I know it’d be mean to break up in this time of COVID-19, but I want a different kind of relationship.

—Restless and Frustrated, The Lake

Dear Frustrated: Your sexual needs are kicking up, and it’s great you aren’t trying to push a girlfriend who’s too young. If she offers to have sex with you to try to hang on to you, don’t go for it! Hang in there another month and wait until you’re starting the school year to break up.

These are not normal times when people can easily break up and quickly meet new people through school, sports or social activities. So let her down as gently as you can. It’ll be easier for her when school is happening again and she’s in contact with her friends. She may still be terribly unhappy, but at least she won’t be lonely on top of a broken heart.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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