Ghosts of past Christmases can be vanquished

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This article was published 11/12/2020 (2081 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: We are a married gay couple, and have an annual problem. The holidays are approaching and it is stressing out my partner. He comes from a family who always fought at Christmas — drinking parents, little money, lots of accusing, cursing and crying.

He just shuts down this time of year. He doesn’t drink or fight with anyone, but it’s like he’s hiding out, waiting for bombs to fall, even though he knows the family fighting is over for him.

He is totally safe with me, but he still hides in front of the TV and on his phone. Normally he is an adventurous, sporty, fun guy. I love him more than I love myself. What can I do to help him work through this and enjoy the holidays for once?

— Wanting to Lift his Christmas Blues, Downtown

 Dear Wanting: This man needs to change environments at Christmas time, as it seems “home and hearth” anywhere is not a cosy place for him to be. In fact, it’s uncomfortable unless he has something on a screen to stare at and take him away. Travelling to a sunspot is not possible this year, but so far it’s a mild winter. Consider buying your guy a telescope for Christmas to look at the constellations, meteor showers and other action up in the skies.

Get him out of the house and into the beauty of nature. Go hiking in lake country, snowshoe when we get deeper snow, drive up to lakes and parks, and explore while geocaching. If he takes to outdoor activities, discuss getting outfitted for winter camping. Nature photography goes along with all of this.

Stop doing more of what doesn’t work, but when it’s well past Christmas, you might want to help finance some counselling for him to neutralize the toxic memories of Christmases past with his parents. You can’t totally wipe out bad memories, but with help you can take away their power.

As for sharing time together in your home, be the one to research some great non-Christmas movies and comedy shows to watch together. Also, make cooking great food a tradition in your home during the holiday season. This would help to form new memories of comfort foods and holiday treats both of you love. Combine these activities to create new happy traditions, and when the world is safe again you might want to travel to sunspots in late December.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My five-year-old daughter wants a pony for Christmas, which I know is a huge cliché, and in most families, a simple conversation would help set their child’s expectations straight. So what did my ridiculous wife do? She said yes! She told our daughter Santa would bring it. “We live in the city, for God’s sake!” I yelled at the ceiling. “Where are we going to put it — in the garage?” I asked her why she said yes to our daughter, and she told me “It is easier for Santa to let her down than her mom.” I couldn’t believe it! She’d rather watch our daughter be broken-hearted on Christmas morning than have a tough conversation now. Honestly, I feel grossed out and disgusted by my wife’s actions. What should I do?

— Very Upset Daddy, Westwood

Dear Upset Daddy: Even if she doesn’t totally get it, explain to your little daughter the cost of having a real pony and boarding it and the work involved in cleaning up after it. Explain that ponies don’t use bathrooms — they just “go” wherever they are. That’s why they need a barn.

But don’t destroy all her hope! Let her know that when she’s a big girl, it’s possible she could have a pony/horse riding lessons, and if she loves it, then possibly have a special horse that lives near the city on somebody’s farm.

Then have a straight talk with your wife. Motherhood is not for sissies. From now on, mom has to learn how to tell the truth and say no when it’s appropriate, and explain the reasons why. Santa’s note in the morning would have been devastating if your little girl was allowed to keep believing there was going to a live pony waiting for her in the yard.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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