Ignore pushy advice, but have a serious kid talk

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 16/12/2020 (2120 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband and I made a conscious choice before we got married 14 years ago, that we didn’t want to have children of our own. We love our nieces, nephews and friends’ children, but we prefer our fur babies. These beauties are everything to us — our whole world.

The problem? Our family and friends are always making unwanted comments to me, like, “You know, it’s not too late to start a family of your own.” And, this zinger I got last weekend: “You’re going to regret not having a family in your later years!”

I’ve tried a number of responses — from ignoring comments, to looking them in the eye and offering an uncomfortable, silent non-response.

I have finally spoken back to the two worst female offenders individually, saying “We are happy with our decision!” Or so I thought. Then one of them let it slip to me that my husband does want a family now.

What? I feel so betrayed! Why did he not come to me and tell me he has a changed his outlook on having children? This must be the reason why the comments keep coming at me.

I’m really upset and lost as to what to do. I don’t want children of my own because my own drunken mother made such a hash of it, and it cost me thousands of dollars in shrink fees to feel better. But I simply don’t want to chance motherhood.

If I approach my husband on what I was told, then it opens the door to the fact he does want a family now. This would absolutely mean the end of our 14-year marriage. I do love him more than words can say! — Such a Scary Mess, Winnipeg

Dear Scary Mess: Waiting is only making it worse and there’s no easy way to approach this, other than getting it all out. Your husband may have casually responded to questioning by these interfering folks by saying he wouldn’t mind having children, but he realizes it’s not for you.

Unfortunately, some people who have children and dote on them think everyone needs to have them. It may not be a big deal to your husband at all, but right now you are in knots.

Remember, really happy marriages like yours are hard to come by and children can actually come between a close couple — and he may realize that.

Don’t waste any more time dithering. Ask your husband what’s going on in his mind; never mind what certain members of the friends and family think should happen. It is your marriage, not theirs.

Maybe a new fur baby is in order about now.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: A while ago, I ran into a man I used to work with, and had an affair with, when we were in retail.

I was married to the wrong man at the time — one my parents’ picked — but I was from a deeply, religious family and didn’t think I could leave. My affair guy loved me, but I stayed with my husband.

We just kind of gawked at each other, outside the mall — both at a loss for words. The attraction was still there 150 per cent.

The first words out of his mouth were, “Are you still married?” and I said, “No!”

It turns out I’m divorced and he’s separated. That was all it took! We went to his place for dinner, didn’t eat anything, and went to bed until midnight.

Only then did I think to ask him if he had a girlfriend, and he quietly said yes. I felt sick.

I couldn’t have him for my own when I was married, and now I finally find him when I’m single and he’s tied up with another woman? Of all the luck!

He didn’t offer to dump that new lady, either. I asked him if he was serious about her and he said, “Pretty serious, until I ran into you again.”

Now what? — Nervous Stomach, Westwood

Dear Nervous Stomach: That was a very positive statement after one evening back together — if you don’t turn tail and run.

Yes, he’s dating someone now — and he’s probably been lonely in this pandemic. But maybe he’d like to finally have a chance seeing how things could turn out for you two.

So, don’t be negative at this point. The physical attraction is still huge, and there’s a chance to see if you can hit it off, in every other way.

When pandemic restrictions ease, see him a few more times, and ask him if he’d be willing to give up the current lady and give it a real try with you.

He might say yes, and it’d be worth the gamble, feeling the way you do.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.