It’s time to decide if you’re in it for the kids, too

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This article was published 02/01/2021 (2080 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was delighted with my new relationship with a younger single woman. But I finally met her two kids over the holidays and they are, to be honest, brats. I’m crazy about her one-on-one, but she has no idea how to be a responsible mother, and her young kids are evidence of that.

I’m not their dad — I have never been married and have no kids. I have no business telling her what to do with her two boys. They are so wild and rude — they even punch each other in the face and swear at her. She doesn’t seem to notice.

I met her in early fall and she held me off from meeting them, telling me she had a good reason. I respected that at first. Now I know why she really kept me away. Please tell me how to handle this, as I am just shaking my head.

— Shocked, Steinbach

Dear Shocked: You’re faced with a big question in this relationship. Do you want to try joining this little family or not? 

Think it over seriously. Don’t lead this young mother on, if you’re not interested in a lasting relationship and lovingly helping her to tame her boys. But, know this: She doesn’t need a military type, coming in there to lay down the law. She does need a strong, but kind, parental-type partner.

As for her personal needs, she’s finished with the trial period — and has now opened up her life situation. Are you able to handle it? It seems a guy with child experience of his own, might be better equipped. You seem a bit horrified.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m feeling sick at heart. My ex-girlfriend was home in Winnipeg for Christmas with her lonely single mom. Although my ex promised to get in touch, I phoned her mom’s house last night and she told me my ex had already driven back home. Her mother, who was always kind to me, tried to let me down gently, but honestly.

She says her daughter has found a new relationship where she’s living. No wonder she didn’t call me! Why did she not tell me the truth herself instead of leaving me hanging? I waited all holiday to hear from her. I foolishly hoped maybe we could salvage our relationship.

I will never love another girl the way I loved her. She broke up with me because she loved me and it had been three years but I had not asked her to marry me. Why? Because I was stupid and scared. I didn’t like my parents’ marriage and didn’t envision myself living like that.

I got counselling help and realized too late it was my folks’ drinking, not the institution of marriage, that made them so cruel and crazy with each other. I was going to tell her I’d seen the light, but I never got the chance. What should I do?

— Too Late? Winnipeg

Dear Too Late?: Phone her and tell her exactly what you told me. If you can’t do that because you’re afraid you’ll break down, write her an impassioned letter, tell her how much you love her, that you’ve seen the light and you want to get married to her. Yes, married!

Send her flowers! Call her up and sing one verse of a love song to her, no matter how badly. Make her laugh! Try to beat this guy out, if you can! But, if she rebuffs you, back off.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I had a great Christmas, but it was only with my household. My best friend phoned up in the middle of Christmas Eve, and asked if they could secretly come over for a visit one day between Christmas and New Year’s. She and her husband have two kids who play with our kids.

I took a deep breath and said, “No, because of COVID,” and she got all huffy and said: “As if we would give you germs!” I just told her it wasn’t about trust or friendship, just about a tricky virus. She was very hurt, and let me know it. I don’t know what to say when I call her back to try to explain better. Please help.

— Protective Mother, Transcona

Dear Protective: Everybody’s lonely, bored and testy and the kids are naturally asking for playmates. You held your ground and it was the right thing to do. But could you get the kids online with each other?

You don’t need to totally reject people just because you can’t, in all conscience, have a playdate at this point. Your best friend knows kids pile on each other and play closely and affectionately — and both sets of parents could unknowingly bring in germs from the outside, because they have to go out into the world for minimal shopping and work.

Call your pal who feels insulted and rejected, and try to set up some virtual connection for you two and the kids. If she’s not receptive, let it go for now, because your family’s health is more important than appeasing anybody. Explain to her it’s nothing personal, but due to the danger of the coronavirus. We all know it can be devastating.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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