Get to know old flame again before committing

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 30/01/2021 (2080 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Long ago, I went travelling in Europe and had a passionate relationship with a man in France. It went on for one beautiful year. Then I came home to Winnipeg to work. He was heartbroken. After a while he got lonely and found a local girlfriend in his city. She got pregnant and he married her, and that broke my heart.

I’m in shock now! My old French love’s wife left him a few months ago, and he looked me up on Facebook. I am happily divorced, and my kids are out of the house. I didn’t know what to think when he wrote me a long message on Facebook and told me he had dreamed of me all the years he was married! Now he wants to start talking to me again.

I just kind of laughed when I read it. I slept on it. The next day I surprised myself and wrote, “Unless you’re willing to move to Canada, I won’t let you get close, break my heart and go through all that pain again!”

He wrote right back within two hours: “You broke my heart when you left me. I never got over it.” He went on to say his two kids were working in other countries. My mouth dropped open when I read: “I’d consider moving to Canada. I retired recently and now I have a successful online business.”

That was part of a very long, painful message that stopped me in my tracks. I asked him to give me some time to think about communicating with him again (romantically).

Could this actually work out, Miss L.? I’m afraid to say a definite yes, even to trying. I haven’t seen him “live” yet, just photos and the two conversations on Facebook, not because I don’t know how to, but because I’m scared. Please help me decide.

— Gamble with My Heart Again? Winnipeg

Dear Gamble: You need a quick reality check — both of you — but you don’t need to decide right away.

You remember each other as young people, but now you need to get to know one other as adults who have been through a lot since your romance many years ago. Luckily, these days you can talk to him and see him at the same time. It’s time to do that — right now — and experience some reality instead of what you remember from being with him in your 20s.

Yes, you could play it safe and tell your old love to leave you alone, but life’s more fun when you take a few chances. If you decide the grown-up version of him is no longer appealing to you, or vice versa, you can back off again — but this time it won’t be so painful. Please write back about how it goes!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m 18 and I think I’m falling in love with my best friend, also a girl. I don’t know how she feels, but she often slings her arm around my shoulders when we’re walking in the snow, and I love it. I’m not quite as affectionate, because I’m unsure. We haven’t talked about it but I know she had a girlfriend once before, when she was 16 — and she knows I know that.

— Confused But Happy, Winnipeg

Dear Confused: There’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing, which is just being accepting and letting things happen slowly if they’re going to happen. You’ll probably get to the point where you need to know where she sees this friendship going. She may just want to be pals, or she may want to be more serious. If she doesn’t start this conversation, you may have to, but, since you’re comfortable with things as they are, give it a little while longer to see what happens.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I write in response to Frequency Problem With My Wife, the man whose wife has not wanted sex much in the 20 years they’ve been married. In addition to the many possibilities you suggested, a simple one is that pre-menopausal/menopausal hormonal changes usually cause a significant drop in libido.

Many men don’t understand the powerful impact menopause can have on a woman, physically and emotionally. It happened to me and almost all my friends.

— Been There, Manitoba

Dear Been There: That can certainly be a problem at a certain age, although as soon as the kids were born (by the five-year mark of their 20-year marriage), this man’s wife had stopped wanting sex much at all. She was not menopausal. He does call her “the love of his life.”

These two need to dig out the real problem, with the help of a relationship counsellor, whether together or separately. Hopefully they can fix the problems that block this woman’s sexual feelings and rekindle their earlier passion.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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