Steer clear of brotherly clash over father’s car

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This article was published 15/02/2021 (2031 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My brother promised me he would give me his car, which was our dad’s brand-new car when he died suddenly. It’s a beautiful car!

I was too young to drive it then. Fast-forward five years, and it’s been in my brother’s possession this whole time. I never asked for it, though I felt a strong connection to it.

My brother recently bought a new vehicle so I finally asked if I could have Dad’s car now that I’m driving, and he said, “No way.”

No explanation. He’s getting close to 30, and here he is acting like a three-year-old! I can’t just go and take the car, though he promised it — and doesn’t even need it anymore. But legally, it’s in his name.

I’d never sell it. I just miss our dad. How can I reach my brother in a way he’ll listen? He’s being irrational and won’t even give me a reason.

— Disappointed Younger Brother, East Kildonan

Dear Disappointed: He wants that car because it also reminds him of your father and he’s been feeling loosely connected to Dad by riding in it for years. No doubt he’s been hoping you’d forget about the promise he made.

There’s nothing you can do to force him to hand it over. But you could tell him you understand how attached he is to the car, and ask if he could let you borrow it occasionally, because you miss your dad too.

He may find the experience of lending it to you is not all that upsetting, and gradually let go of the need to own it. Your father certainly would not want to have you two end your friendship over who gets to drive his old car.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife and I bought a cabin so we’d have a COVID-19 project that pays off in fun and profit. We knew it needed work, but had no idea the extent of it.

We bought it in a hurry; the former owner must be having a laugh at us city slickers. Last weekend we went out there and made an endless list of what needed to be done. My wife finally sat down and cried, saying, “We’re going to be slaves to this place.”

The cabin was primarily my dream and I pushed her into it because I wanted to take on a fixer-upper during the pandemic. I really don’t want to resell the place. How can I keep us both happy?

It’s not a matter of money. Our kids are out on their own now and we have more than enough money to transform the cabin. Please help us.

— Amateur Builder, Winnipeg

Dear Amateur: This project could still be salvaged — and turn out to be fun. Take your wife off the major work crew right away. Take the lists from her hands, and hear her sigh of relief.

Next time you go up to the cabin, it’s should be with the idea of researching and hiring local crews — supervising the basic transformation. It’s not too early. Remember, crews get super-busy when spring is in the air.

Ask your wife if she’ll look after the interior decorating, which she can do from home with sketches and measurements. No doubt it was the larger transformation project that made her break down in tears. That’s probably your thing, anyway.

So, divide the job up — two-thirds to you, plus your friends and hired workers, and a third to the decorating team of your wife and her buddies. Then finally start to enjoy this adventure.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband recently lost a lot of our savings gambling and I am ready to walk out the door. He apologizes every day and promises to make things right, but not only did he lose all this money, but he was sneaking out behind my back, pretending to do other things.

I had no idea he was even gambling, or had issues with it, and now all our savings are gone! I look at his face and I want to crush it.

He wants to stay together for the kids, or any reason he can come up with, but I’m beyond caring anymore. If this happened once, it’ll happen again. My mom is Catholic and insists we work it out, but I disagree. What should I do?

— Ready to Cash Out, West End

Dear Ready: First, talk to counsellors like the folks at the Addictions Foundation of Manitoba’s 24-hour problem gambling helpline at 1-800-463-1554 (afm.mb.ca).

If you give up, the family breaks up and your whole life together goes up in flames.

The fury you feel may be masking love you still have but can’t feel right now. Or it may have drained away, as you think. At any rate, you owe it to your kids and yourself to find out for sure.

Nobody wants to be addicted. It’s often a fun time gone horribly wrong — and your husband is feeling deep remorse. He wants to make it up somehow. No doubt he’d be more than willing to go to any kind of counselling with you to do with gambling, marriage and family.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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