Open dad’s eyes to brother’s toxic tendencies

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This article was published 26/02/2021 (2005 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My brother is the kind of bad guy mothers warn their daughters about. He’s an absolute piece of garbage. He’s a liar and a cheater. He “borrows” money from women he never intends to pay back and then breaks up with them.

It’s awful to watch it happen. He was very spoiled by my mother and aunties — could do no wrong, only now he does every kind of wrong. Worst of all? He has zero compassion.

It makes me sick to see the way he treats his girlfriends. I’ve told our parents he needs professional help, and they don’t believe it. They don’t believe in the science of mental health.

Beyond warning the women he somehow pulls into his life, what else can I do? Is there a way to reach someone like him?

— Seriously Upset Sister, Maples

Dear Upset: It’s time to stop doing more of what doesn’t work. You have approached your parents, and his girlfriends and your brother himself. Your mom is not going to be any help because she and the aunties spoil him. But your dad may be more help. Talk to him him alone, and really give him the goods — the real dirt on what his son is doing, particularly with women and money.

Dad needs to know this young man’s problems are serious, and that without professional help, his son is headed for a broken family if he gets married, and a very difficult life for any grandchildren. Depending how bad the money scams get, he could be looking at violent retribution or run-ins with the police.

It’s time for a serious reckoning, assessment of damages so far and a plan to try to get this son on a different path, if it isn’t too late. Try to change Papa’s mind on the professional help issue, and see if you can get him to pay for it, because you can bet your brother won’t.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a terrible habit of pulling my hair out. It started when I was a teenager and I would just pull a loose hair out here and there, but now I’m a man in my late 20s and it’s a shameful problem. I got much worse studying in university and the horrible thing is it still plagues me when I’m alone.

It’s like I’m addicted to it, and every time I do it I get upset at myself, which somehow makes things worse.

I have a very stressful job, and have attributed it to that. In my head, the habit has somehow warped into a weird equivalent of smoking as a stress-reliever. What can I do? I don’t want to be bald! Am I the only one who does this?

— Hair-pulling Weirdo, Winnipeg

Dear Hair-pulling: It isn’t unusual, and it’s usually related to anxiety and coping and could be related to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). It can also be an expression of depression, and this repetitive action is sometimes associated with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

You’d benefit by addressing the anxieties you’re trying to cope with. The Anxiety Disorders of Manitoba Association (adam.mb.ca) may be able to help with suggestions for counselling.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: In regard to Mean Father who wrote about fighting with his daughter over using the kitchen for her candle-making business, you suggested a big box for her stuff so she can take turns using the kitchen with the parents.

I suggest they buy a cheap stove and counter material for the basement. Habitat for Humanity probably has lots of that kind of thing at really cheap prices.

They could gift it to the daughter or ask her to pay it back in instalments, like a bank loan, as capital cost to start as business. That’s a necessity in the real world.

— Mr. Practical, Winnipeg

Dear Mr. Practical: This is certainly a creative suggestion but a parent might be worried about the safety of their daughter working away alone, with a stove in the basement. Maybe two stoves in the kitchen/dining room area, if they have room, would work, so there’s some extra eyes nearby for the safety of her project.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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