Letting suspicions simmer will damage relationship

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This article was published 30/06/2021 (1867 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Before we lived together, my longtime boyfriend freaked on the idea of “losing his freedom for life.” He cheated on me after that, and I caught him. When I told him to lose my phone number, and started dating again, he freaked because he never actually thought he’d lose me. Then he was “oh-so-sorry,” we went to counselling on his dime, and I took him back. Still no ring, but we moved in together.

Now he’s started staying at work later, and sometimes he’ll phone at 5 p.m. to say he’s going to work out or to get groceries, but he doesn’t come home for hours and the milk is still cold, so I know he went somewhere first and then hit Safeway fast, and ran the aisles. Pair that with the fact our love life has all but completely fizzled, and I’m really worried he’s cheating.

Yesterday, I sternly questioned him and he said, “Stop interrogating me!” and then offered a BS excuse: He was in a bad mood from work and had to go for a drive to calm down so he could home to me in a good mood.

Yeah, right! I feel like I need to say something, but what?

— Suspicious Live-In, south Winnipeg

Dear Suspicious: Assuming he’s cheating will eat away at you until you do something about it. While it isn’t wise to jump to conclusions, it sounds like there is, at minimum, a big problem that needs to be addressed. So try a soft interrogation. Start by setting the stage — paint a picture of how things are right now and how you feel about them. Mention how you notice he’s spending more and more time away from home, and less time making love at home with you.

Tell him quietly how things look to you, and why you feel the way you do. Watch his eyes and his “tells” as you would in a poker game. You know him best and can tell lots by his reactions, particularly when he starts into a lie.

Even if he doesn’t admit to an affair, if you deeply feel things are as bad as you thought, it’s time to break it off. He’s already on his second chance.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I feel I’ve lost control of my life. I was laid off from my job months ago, and I’m barely scraping by on EI. I’ve applied for what feels like countless jobs and nothing has materialized. My wife has lost a respect for me, as I’m home all the time and always in a sour mood.

She has pulled back from me lately. It feels like I’m really alone — more than when I was single. I feel like a burden to her and my family who all have jobs, and they don’t care how I feel, because they think I’m just being lazy. I’m not suicidal, but I need a better life than just taking any old job. What can I do?

— Down Dad, St. Boniface

Dear Down: Take “any old job” for the time being. A perceived loss of usefulness can be hard on a person, and going for a long stretch without feeling a daily purpose can open the door to depression and/or anxiety. It’s strange what having a job does for the psyche, but it’s undeniable that many of us require a daily routine.

On days off, apply for everything out there, and when an employer makes an offer you like better, even if it’s still not quite what you really want, take it and keep on searching. Times are tough with COVID, but about to get better. Keeping your mind busy and focused on accomplishing a task can be the catalyst that pulls you out of your current depression and pushes you up to the first level of happiness.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend is an immature jerk and I’m tired of his crap. He’s an inconsiderate party boy, and I’d hoped that by the time we had got to our mid-20s, he’d have grown out of it. He has found many ways to party his way through COVID, and he’s often skirting the rules.

We’ve been together for a very long time and while it was fun in the beginning, I feel more and more like I can do better. We just have so much history! It would destroy him if I left. He’s very dependent on me.

— Wanting a Real Man, St. Vital

Dear Wanting: What is your life about? It’s certainly not about parenting and propping this guy up, one hopes! You’ve stayed with him far too long without commitment and a life plan that might include a real home and children (other than him).

Lots of relationships start when people are young and the two partners mature differently over the years. It sounds like it’s possible you two met in high school or shortly after. People do a lot of growing from that period to age 30, but it seems he didn’t. You say you’re in your mid-20s now and feeling the difference in maturity, so the right time to break things off will be very soon. Tell him things aren’t working for you anymore and that your goals have changed. You’re at a big fork in the road. Let him know you have loved him for many years, but a big part of you needs to move on to more adult experiences.

You’re not simply a passenger on the train of someone else’s life story. Your lifelong happiness really matters, and it needs to change direction.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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