Honest atonement, counselling could help children heal

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/07/2021 (1873 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: When I had my children, I was a young mother, with no positive role models. I grew up in an abusive household — yelling, fighting, spankings and drinking were common. Sadly, I married into a family that was just like mine, only stricter. And, we raised our family the way we grew up. We didn’t know any better.

My marriage broke up when my children were teens. My alcoholic husband soon found another woman. By then I was drinking too, and I finally went for help. This is when I saw how dysfunctional my home and married life were.

I met a wonderful, kind, non-drinking man, who supports me emotionally. We’re very happy, building a healthy life together. He funded counselling for me, and I became much more enlightened and ashamed of how I passed down what I learned from my parents.

Now my adult children are holding me hostage to the horrible childhood they had. Every chance they get, they throw comments at me about what a horrible mother I was! They’re not wrong.

I may have been a horrible mother, but I am the very best grandmother to my grandchildren. Every time I do something for my grandchildren, my adult children say in an angry way, “Wow, you never did this for us.” Please help me with what I can do and say to help my angry children heal.

— “Bad” Parent, St. Norbert

Dear Parent: To your kids, it looks like you saved your kindness for the grandchildren, so they are understandably resentful.

It’s time to be open, honest and vocal about what you finally learned in counselling. Be specific, and apologize to your kids individually for the different kinds of mistakes you made.

You also need to explain to your adult kids the “horrible” way you were brought up — but do not use it as an excuse for repeating the behaviour.

Tell your adult kids you’re sorry you didn’t get the help you needed to break the behaviour cycle and the drinking. Let the adult kids know how sorry you are you hurt them, and how hard you are trying with your new knowledge to be different with the grandchildren.

If you have any extra money in your new life situation, offer the adult children a few family counselling sessions — some with you and some on their own — so everybody can heal from this sad history.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My live-in “love” has just announced I’m moving out — and he’s moving his ex-wife back in! I’m in shock. His old heartbreak is returning to Manitoba to live. She says she’s off the drinking “for good.” That’s what ruined their love.

Her sobriety was something he’d stopped believing would ever happen, so when she started hitting him, he finally kicked her out, though he still cared. Saying she’s “sober for good” was all it took to abandon me.

I’m heartbroken, and I feel used. Now I understood why he asked me to move in so fast. He was just trying to get over her, the great love he thought he’d sent away forever. It was also to make her sorry! It was never about me.

I’m not big-hearted enough to wish them well. I hope she starts drinking again, once she thinks she’s got him.

Two nights ago, I packed and went home to live with my mom, and I’m feeling sick and lost. I can’t even eat. Please help me.

— Kicked to the Side, West End

 

Dear Kicked: Newly broken-up people like this man are so open, vulnerable and affectionate, that a sympathetic new person could mistake it for a romance when really they’re just a bandage!

One thing you’ve learned here is that you’ll never again jump into the void with a guy who’s just broken up — especially if it’s been over an addiction with someone they still loved.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I disagree with your advice to get a young child a cellphone for protection. Smother mothers! When was the last time there was a stranger/child abduction in Winnipeg? Way, way more risks letting young kids be online. As a high school teacher, I can tell you honestly that kids without smartphones are overwhelmingly the happiest, sociable and friendliest.

The problem is, the kids without phones can still have friends who use them and flaunt them your kids. It is time the public demands tech companies do more to protect our kids at the point of sale. A smart watch might be a better compromise.

— Just Jan, Winnipeg

Dear Just Jan: Good point, as many wearable smartwatches can send phone calls and text messages and cost $50-$100. It’s better than being open to the entire internet and better than nothing if a kid has a long trek home by themself, in the country or the city. As for abductions, they’re mostly done by parents who didn’t get custody of their child, but rare, random incidents do happen.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.