Leaving girlfriend in lurch a jerk move

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This article was published 03/07/2021 (1867 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I got a big apartment with my girlfriend during COVID and left my mixed household of university roommates — too dangerous with their friends coming over. She was a great girl to date, but she’s a royal pain to live with. I want to keep seeing her, because we’ve got a hot thing going, but I want to move back in with my friends as soon as they’re all double-vaccinated.

Last night I tried to tell her that and she cut me off, saying I will be leaving her without a home, because she can’t afford this place without at least one roommate. She went in the bedroom and slammed the door, and 20 minutes later her two brothers arrived — a couple of thugs. They didn’t say it outright, but the message was if I continued with my plan to leave their sister high and dry they’d be back to “convince” me. I said under pressure I’d stay to the end of the lease — which means the whole summer. Help! I want out of here right now!

— Looking for a Way Out, Downtown

Dear Looking: You’re stuck for the summer, buddy! If you take off early and leave this girlfriend without your half of the big rent, you could lose your front teeth. You showed yourself to be a double user/loser when you said wanted to keep seeing this girlfriend for hot times after going back to the party house — and leaving her in the lurch for your half of the rent. You want out of this mess? You’re going to have to break up with your girlfriend, and pay at both places until September. Even then, you’d best be looking over your shoulder.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My 24-year-old — my oldest son— finally poured out his heart to me, telling me he’s gay. As a mother, I’d had my suspicions. He begged me not to tell his father yet, as his dad is homophobic and is always putting down our son’s gay cousin (my sister’s son) with ugly names behind his back.

I didn’t get my mouth open to say what I wanted to say — I just stood there in shock. Then, like an idiot I said “I need time to take it in.” He said, through his tears, “And what am I supposed to do until then?” He looked devastated. He whispered, “I never expected you to turn your back on me!”

I had to go to work right away, and ran out crying. While I was at work, he packed some bags and a little food from the kitchen, and left home, perhaps for good. I found out he’s bunking with his gay cousin — which makes sense. The worst part is I haven’t heard from my dear son in three weeks, and he won’t answer my calls.

I feel awful he’s not feeling supported by me, and I let him down at the most difficult moment of his life. What was wrong with me? What can I do now?

— His Loving Mom, Winnipeg

Dear Loving Mom: Phone your sister and enlist her help as she has a pipeline to her son who’s now roommates with yours for a bit. Spill your feelings and regrets to her about your reaction, and ask her to tell her son you’re more than OK with this issue and that you’re coming by soon with a food delivery for the cousins. Your nephew can pass on the message. Then show up a day or two later, with a big care package and a homemade card saying “Sorry, Love Mom” on it. Muscle your way in with the box, and ask to come in “to help unpack.” You don’t need to have a big discussion on his sexuality right then, as that could end up with more upset feelings.

Just say you’re sorry for your immediate reaction — which is not your true feeling. Give your son a hug, tell him you love him and buzz off. Your first visit doesn’t have to be long, but let him know you’ll be back soon.

Your son may not want your husband to be informed right away. Your son will still be dealing with you and your first reaction. He may actually ask you down the road to tell your husband for him. It’s probably a good idea. Until you get his dad educated and calmed down — and taught how to behave — he could do irreparable harm to his relationship with his son.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I gave $1,000 to a longtime friend who was in desperate need of money, and he paid me back as soon as he could. This year, I got into money troubles myself, and he gave me $500, no questions asked.

Recently, he won a bunch of money which makes the $500 seem like nothing. Do I still owe him the money?

— Need It Myself, West Kildonan

Dear Need It Myself: You must pay your friend back. It did not suddenly become a gift when he won some money. It’s a matter of honour and trust — and your friendship is valuable.

If he hands the money back to you, that’s fine. But if he doesn’t, you have no right to hint for him to do so, or to be angry. It was a loan between friends and you need to honour it as much now as before.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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