Living a lie not fair to anyone involved

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This article was published 09/12/2021 (1715 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband and I live in a beautiful old apartment block. I’ve developed a “friendship” with a woman who lives on another floor and decorates like a gypsy.

He thinks we’re just friends, but he doesn’t realize she’s a lesbian and I’m actually bisexual. I never told him I had a female lover back in university in another province, so he thinks I’m straight.

When I moved back to Winnipeg, he came into my life — a breath of fresh air. I just wanted to relax into a nice, comfortable relationship with a man, and maybe have kids. It turned out I couldn’t have babies and I really didn’t want to adopt, but he didn’t mind either way. So, we sold little our house and moved into this apartment.

I met this intriguing woman in the elevator three weeks later. I do love my husband still, but I’m feeling so passionate about this woman.

She soon became my secret lover. But now, three months later, she’s putting pressure on me to tell him the truth. Whoa! She says it’d be fairer to us all than living a lie.

The whole truth is I think I might not last with her, because she’s so fiery, with a tendency to fight for everything she wants. I don’t like fighting, not ever. I need peace. What should I do?

— Sorry Situation, central Winnipeg

Dear Sorry Situation: You’re not entirely devoted to either your husband or your new lover. As it stands, they each get half of you and you get both of them. The bottom line? She scares you with her fierceness, and you feel safe — but bored — with your husband.

“Something’s gotta give,” as the old song goes. It’s not fair to be cheating on your man and keeping him around like a comfortable old shoe. It’s also not fair to keep teasing this passionate woman when you’re not likely to commit to her either. She sounds quite controlling and you wouldn’t get the peace you so desire.

It’s time for some personal counselling — not couples counselling, but just for you. Are you ready to tell the truths that need to be told, to yourself and your two lovers?

You might need to live on your own for a time afterward. But, hopefully, when you get yourself figured out, you’ll meet someone who engages your heart 100 per cent with their personality and attractiveness.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m double-vaxxed and still very uncertain about dating new people. It’s a terrible time to be single, just as I’m turning 21 and should be having the time of my life.

I’m very good about showing people my vaccination card, and I will get the booster.

I’m not so good about asking people to show me their proof.

Restaurants, and places like that, do it for you at the door, but anywhere else, it puts me in an awkward situation, and I just don’t ask. Stupid, I know.

Recently, I got a big scare when a guy I met and dated a few times ended up getting COVID only a month after I stopped seeing him. I heard about it and called him up, terrified.

He confessed he’d only gotten the first shot and didn’t bother with the second because he was young and healthy. He says he knows when he got COVID, and from whom. It wasn’t until a social event that happened after we stopped seeing each other.

Still, I went for a COVID test, and I’m OK. But now I’m terrified to go out again. What can I do?

— Lonely Girl, Fort Garry

Dear Lonely: If you’re not in a restaurant or another place with a vaccination card check, you can smile and say to a new guy, “I’ll show you my card if you’ll show me yours!” Then start happily digging out your card, at a two-metre distance.

If he isn’t reciprocating, say, “Haven’t got one? OK then, bye-bye for now!“ and head in another direction. You must risk annoying him. Your health is more important than making things comfortable for a stranger who might be accidentally spreading something.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I live with my single dad and he shows off for my girlfriend when she’s over. She feels weird — and I feel worse. How can I stop this?

— Embarrassed Son, East Kildonan

Dear Embarrassed: Keep it short. You could ask your dad: “You like my girlfriend?” He’ll probably say yes.

Then say, “You probably don’t realize this, but it shows, and it’s a little embarrassing — for me.” Change the subject, have a pleasant little exchange so he knows you’re not angry, and exit stage left.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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